Moving On
by LostForeverInHisEyes
Summary: Psst. Callen Kensi fans. Over here! And those curious too:-  Sequel to Dying and Letting Go. Snippets of the growing relationship between Callen and Kensi following the eps of the show. Guest appearances by Alex, Lily and James. SWBI attempt. More inside
1. Chapter 1  Prologue

**MOVING ON**

_AUTHOR NOTES:_

_Hi._

_Well, let's see. This story has been a while in the making and now, since the bunnies have been gone a while and I'm desperate to write again, here we go on a SWBI, courtesy of ESalvatore._

_My plan – Once I week, I force (encourage) the bunnies to help me write a chapter._

_It's been a while since they co-operated on something new and I love that initial creative phase of writing so that's what I'm going to run with. It may not be as polished as usual, so please forgive me for any mistakes. Happy to have them pointed out (gently though please) and I'll try and fix them quickly. I just need to write and not worry too much about the tiny details of editing and polishing at the moment._

_So, the bunnies have been dragged back from their extended vacation and whilst I'm not entirely sure if they co-operated with this chapter, it's here and it's done and, fingers crossed, it passes!_

_Now, about the story – It's set just a bit after Letting Go finishes. There will be a little snippet, tidbit, maybe even a longish chapter with more than one scene, to add to the episode the title of each chapter relates to. It all depends on what inspiration each episode gives me to delve into the developing Callen/Kensi relationship. Alex, Lily and James will be making special appearances. First chapter is a prologue, just before Identity which will be the next chapter._

_I hope you enjoy. Love to hear what you think._

_On with the show._

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**Prologue:**

It was Saturday night.

They were sitting on the couch, Kensi's feet in Callen's lap and the TV was on in the background. Neither could tell you what was playing. They were both a tad pre-occupied with what was going to happen on Monday.

Callen was returning to work. A little early, but he was sick and tired of having nothing to do and being out of the office. He knew his body better than anyone and as far as he was concerned, he was fit enough to return.

Their relationship had progressed over the last month since that day at Alex's grave; at least in the fact that they had one and it was more than just friends and team mates.

They were taking things slow. They knew that moving on from a traumatic ending of a relationship was going to be difficult and this was new ground for both of them.

Whilst Callen didn't feel the guilt anymore, the memory of Alex and their relationship was still there. He knew that what he felt for Alex was strong but he also knew that what he was felt for Kensi was just as strong, only different. It was going to be a learning curve for him to fully realise he could still have both of those feelings and not short-change Kensi at all.

Kensi had had more time to deal with the dual emotions and, whilst she didn't have the same issues as Callen regarding how recent he had started the healing process to accept the possibility of loving someone else, her love for James was still strong. She'd had more time to deal with it. Neither wanted to mess up the relationship by rushing anything, so the physical side hadn't progressed past making out on the couch.

Kensi jumped at little at the knock on the door that brought her out of her musings.

Callen raised an eyebrow and smirked. She stuck her tongue out at him.

"You going to answer that?" she asked.

Callen shook his head. "Your house."

"Close enough to yours too."

"Not officially. I still 'live' in that little motel room."

"Tell that to my fridge," Kensi retorted as she pulled her feet out of his lap and stood up. There was another knock on the door. An insistent, determined one.

"I'm betting it's Hetty." Callen stood up as well. He flicked the button on the remote to turn the TV off. "It sounds like a knock that won't stop."

Kensi opened the door and there was Hetty.

"Of course it won't Mr Callen. Why would I when I knew that you were both here?" The question was rhetorical and both knew an answer wasn't expected.

"What can we do for you Hetty?" Kensi asked. She closed the door and turned to their boss.

"I'm here to speak to you about Mr Callen's return to work."

Kensi and Callen looked at each other. Typical Hetty. Was it possible that she knew they'd been thinking about that too?

They all sat and Hetty looked them over. She smiled knowingly.

"Firstly, I am pleased to see that things are working out with the two of you. I honestly didn't think I would see the day when you would allow yourself to love again Mr Callen. I know how much you loved Alex and to see you opening up again is wonderful. The same with you Miss Blye, after everything you have been through." She was most pleased to see that the mention of Alex's name didn't bring about any pain in his eyes. That was also something she had thought may never happen.

Callen and Kensi glanced nervously at each other. Both of them had a feeling the discussion wasn't quite going to be as rosy as the start.

"But?" Callen prompted Hetty when he returned his gaze to her.

"But," Hetty smiled slightly. "This relationship cannot affect your work. I should split you up. Team mates in a relationship together do not tend to work out for the best for either situation."

"Hetty," Kensi started but Hetty held up her hand to stop her.

"I am not going to do so. I am giving you a chance to prove that the two of you are professional enough to work together, giving you a chance to prove that you are not two typical, average agents. Now Sam, Eric, Nate and myself already know of this relationship and that is how it is to stay. Director Vance does not and I do not intend on telling him."

"So what do you want us to do Hetty?" Callen asked. "Pretend that we're just team mates?" Callen wasn't entirely sure he could do that. He was sure he'd be able to work with Kensi but he was also just starting to get the hang of being in a relationship and he certainly didn't want to go back to what he was before. It had been hard enough opening up in the first place – closing down again wasn't an option. Not if he wanted this to work with Kensi - and he definitely did.

Hetty shook her head. "No. I'm not asking that of you. I'm just asking that you keep this relationship known only to the team and you keep it out of the field. The rest of the office should see that things are normal between you. You don't tend to work with many of the other teams so it shouldn't be too difficult to tone things down when they are around."

"We can do that," Kensi agreed, relieved that Hetty wasn't going down the 'you can't be on the same team together' route.

"Good. However, do remember, should this relationship have a detrimental effect on your abilities to do your job, I will not hesitate to reassign one of you."

"Anything else you want us to do?" Callen asked.

"Yes. Mr Callen you have aliases that you need to keep up. As far as anyone is concerned, outside of your team, you are not living here with Miss Blye. You have recently moved back to your hotel room now your recovery is done. Where you actually spend your time is up to you, but you need to keep up appearances."

"Sure," Callen agreed easily. That had already been in the back of his mind anyway.

"Very well." Hetty stood up. "Enjoy your final weekend of freedom Mr Callen. I shall see you both at the office Monday morning. Separate arrivals please."

"Of course Hetty," Callen replied.

Hetty moved to the door. She turned back to look at them and that smile she had given them earlier reappeared on her face. She left quietly.

Callen turned to Kensi. "So separately? Guess I'd better organise for Sam to meet me."

"Yeah," Kensi said though Callen wasn't entirely sure she even knew what he had just said.

"Kenz?"

Kensi pulled herself back to the conversation. "Do you think we can do it? Work together and not let it affect us?"

"Us or our job?"

Kensi took a breath. "Both."

"We won't know unless we try. But I think we can. We've been through a lot to get where we are. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to give up without a hell of fight."

Kensi smiled and moved into his arms. "Good. Be such a waste of these months if you did."

Callen grinned. "Yes, sharing your home with me has been such an awful experience for you hasn't it."

Kensi punched him affectionately. "Not awful, just trying and difficult and insane and…" Callen cut her off with a kiss.

"And?" he asked when he pulled back.

"Very good," she admittedly softly before dragging him back to continue the kiss.


	2. Chapter 2  Identity

_A/N_

_Thanks so much for the lovely reviews. The bunnies loved them (so did I) and they started to hop a little. I think they might even be excited to write again!_

_Anyway, I also wanted to say that this story is, in part, is a thank you to some very loyal Callen/Kensi fans who have willing given some of my other stories a chance and stuck by them (and me), even though they are Callen/OC stories. I really appreciated the support and wanted to give a little something back to them. Especially considering the mammoth amount of Kensi/Deeks stories out there._

_So, I do hope you enjoy this chapter and hopefully the bunnies will start hopping some more soon._

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**Chapter 2 – Identity**

Kensi was walking past Nate's door when a hand shot out and dragged her in. For a split second she considered attacking, but the familiarity of the hand touching her stopped that reaction.

Callen closed the door and pulled Kensi into his arms. He buried his head in her hair and took a deep, slow breath. The scent from her shampoo calmed him. It wasn't an overly strong smell, just a delicate fruity scent, with more than a hint of Kensi to it.

"Callen?"

"Kenz, I …"

Kensi started to worry. This was very unlike Callen. His voice was … nervous maybe? Not strong and confident, teasing or flirty. "What is it Callen?" she asked quietly.

Callen lifted his head out of her hair. "I haven't felt that scared in a long time."

Kensi gave him a gentle smile. It had been a pretty rough day for all of them. More so Callen and Sam. "Of course you were scared. We didn't know what they would do to that little girl." Kensi's tone softened. "Did she remind you of Lily?"

"Not exactly," Callen said. "But it did make me wonder what kind of father I would've made. What kind of danger she would have been in if she'd lived." He frowned and his voice took on a hard tone. "What kind of father uses his child like that? What makes him willing to risk something so precious, put her in so much danger, for money?"

Kensi lifted her hand and cupped his cheek. Her thumb stroked gently over it, calming him. "Not the kind you would be," she assured him. "Lily would've had you and Alex. You would have protected her with your life, as Alex would have."

"I didn't protect Alex very well." His enemies had found him, taken her and Lily from him before he even knew he was going to be a dad.

"You are not like him," Kensi continued firmly. "Callen, Alex knew the dangers of your job. She accepted them. You were both capable of handling that kind of life. And I know how much Alex and Lily mean to you. I know how important family is to you. It's the one thing you've never had. I _know_ you would've done anything to keep Lily safe. And, if it came down to it, you would even give up this job and lifestyle to live a quiet, boring existence as some generic Mr and Mrs Smith or Jones."

"Yeah." Callen marvelled at how intuitive Kensi was. He would have given up this life. Even though he loved his job and had finally found a place that accepted him, faults and all. He'd never told anyone that, not even Alex. They'd never really talked about having kids. It was one of those future things they both figured would happen one day. They just hadn't been planning anything yet. "But I wasn't meaning then."

Kensi frowned, confused. "When then?"

"At that house where Sam and I were ambushed. So many bullets flying and …"

"It's okay. You made it. You didn't get hit. Sam was there with you."

"It's not that Kenz." Callen struggled to find the words to explain how he had felt, how he still felt. "For so long I haven't really cared whether I got hit or not. It's not fun and, of course it could kill me, but it was no big deal. Just a hazard of the job. A likely hazard. Today … Today was the first day in a long time where I did care."

Callen reached up and stroked her cheek. "I care because I have you now. I haven't felt this way since Alex."

Kensi placed her hand over his. "I'm glad," she said softly.

Callen let out a slow breath. "This is going to take some getting used to."

"What? Wanting to live again?"

"Yeah."

"I promise Callen, I'll help."

They heard voices outside the door and Kensi stepped back. "I'd better go."

"I'll follow soon."

Kensi checked carefully before slipping out the door. She sent Callen a quick reassuring smile before she left.

Callen stood where he was, leaning against the wall beside the closed door.

Oh yes, life was going to be a little more interesting now that he was trying to avoid bullets for more than skipping the recovery period.


	3. Chapter 3  The Only Easy Day

_A/N – Thanks so much again for the support. I don't feel the bunnies co-operated very much on this. I do like the general idea behind this chapter, I'm just not sure how it will come across. I do hope you enjoy it._

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**Chapter 3 – The Only Easy Day.**

"How's Sam doing?" Kensi asked as they sat together on her couch. It had been a rough case, investigating one of Sam's own.

"He's okay," Callen replied. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and settled her into him. "Disappointed, but I think he understands that they were just trying to look after their own. He doesn't agree with what they did, but he understands the motive behind it."

"Must have been hard, having everything you believe in, basically your identity, questioned. He trained Holgate." It was the first time she'd seen Sam so tense over a case, not to mention the first time that she could remember that a case had been personal to Sam – unless it involved Callen.

Callen nodded. "I think that made it harder initially. But, as you said, they were close and deep down, Sam must have known that they hadn't completely ditched their SEAL code."

"Yeah." She snuggled a little closer.

"You know you got Dom a little worried." Callen grinned a little at the memory of his little chat with Dom after everything was over. "After Sam's 'training technique's' this morning and then watching you tear up a car. Poor guy probably feels like he has no idea what he's gotten himself in for."

"Dom's good. He's getting there and definitely got potential even though he's so young." Kensi wondered if Dom had mentioned the whole peeing incident. She was pretty sure he hadn't since Callen hadn't actually brought that one up. She still remembered the horrified look on Dom's face regarding that.

"Apparently you are very convincing as the pissed off girlfriend."

Kensi looked up at him and grinned. "Guess you'd better make sure you don't find out how good."

Callen raised his eyebrows but didn't look worried. "Just remember, it's not my car. It's Hetty's."

Kensi punched him playfully. As if she needed reminding of that – anything that related to work equipment was technically Hetty's. Callen fought back carefully and tickled her. Somewhere along the lines, he ended up on top and couldn't resist kissing her. Kensi responded, heated and passionate and Callen found himself getting lost in the moment and making his way down her neck with kisses as his hand slipped under her shirt. She moved, just as lost as he was and gave him more access and he took it. Callen wanted her. He wanted this relationship to progress and by her movements and responses so did she. He actually felt ready and it was the most amazing feeling.

Suddenly Callen found himself alone, on his back and on the floor. Kensi was standing up straightening her shirt.

"Kenz?" he queried. Kensi reached out to offer a hand to him. He took it and stood up. She let go once he was upright. Worry settled on him. He hadn't meant to rush her. He didn't think he was.

"I … umm … Sorry. I just." Kensi stopped and let out a breath. "I'm not sure if I'm ready. I want to. Honestly, I really want to. I just…"

Callen stepped closer to her, reassured that he hadn't completely read her actions wrong. "Kenz, I'm not going to rush this either. When the time is right, _for both of us, _we'll take that step."

"What made you and Alex take the step?"

Callen raised his eyes at the question. Kensi shook her head slightly.

"I'm mean," she continued, "aside from the physical attraction, why did you do it? Was it just physical?"

"Was it just physical for you and James? Kensi, do you really want to talk about why we decided to sleep with our previous partners?"

Kensi sat back down and looked up at him. Her brown mismatched eyes looking at him in earnest and completely serious. "I don't want details Callen. But the motivation. For so long, we've both been out of serious relationships. It's just been about the physical, nothing else. But now, it's more than that and I really, really don't want to screw this up." She waited so long for him to come to her, to realise he felt something more. Occasionally she felt out of her depth, and now was one of them. She wanted to find her feet again.

"And you think talking about this will help?"

Kensi shrugged. "I don't know, but maybe. It can't really hurt can it? I mean, I'm not jealous of what you had with Alex. And I'm not trying to pry."

"I know Kenz." Callen sat back down next to her. It was one thing they had discussed since that day at the cemetery. Kensi knew he saw Alex sometimes, she knew that he would always love Alex, but she also knew that Callen was ready for her and that there would be no comparisons between the two of them. He wouldn't do that to either the women in his life that he loved. They were both different yet similar and both deserved to be distinctly separate. He was also pretty sure if he went down that road, neither of the women in question would let him get away with it.

Kensi turned, sitting sideways cross-legged so she could see him.

"I'll go first," she said. "With James, he'd been helping me through a really rough patch in my life."

Callen raised his eyebrows and she saw the concern and question in them.

Kensi smiled gently. "That story is for another time. We were watching some cheesy movie. I honestly can't even remember what it was called. We were teasing each other about it. Playfully punching and tickling." Kind of like we were just now, she added silently to herself. "Then we fell off the couch. I ended up on top of him and suddenly the moment got serious."

Callen watched the soft faraway look come into her eyes and smiled. Kensi hadn't talked a lot about James yet. They'd been a bit more focused on getting him through his issues.

"He reached up," Kensi continued, "tucked my hair behind my ear and said 'I'm yours, Kensi. Nothing will take me away. I love you.' I was stunned. I felt this huge shift in my emotions and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I loved him too. I kissed him and things went from there."

Kensi's focus came back to him and she gave a little shrug. "I mean, technically we hadn't even been out on a date. We'd been out as friends together, we'd spent a lot time in each other's company over that eight months. I realised that in a way, we'd actually been dating for that time, just without the physical or emotional stuff interfering. We knew each backward and I knew I could trust him. It was the right time; it wasn't just a physical thing," she finished.

When Callen didn't start, she prodded a little. "Your turn."

Callen smiled and thought a little about how he and Alex came together. "We came close the first date," he admitted. "We both wanted to, but … somehow it was different. I wanted us both to be sure, not just caught up in the moment. The next couple of months were really busy for us both but we squeezed in a few dates here and there, or a lunch at the office." More than once he'd taken a 'wrong' turn so he'd end up closer to her office. "If one of us was near the other's office, we'd grab something to eat and share it. There was a time toward the end of those two months when I'd barely seen her for a week. She was busy with a case. Hardly had time to talk so I didn't even know what it was about. We had a date planned and I went to her place to pick her up. Her keys were still in the front door. I grabbed them and went inside. I was worried something was wrong."

Kensi could see it now in his eyes. Like he almost felt like he was back there. As she continued to listen quietly, she slipped her hand into his.

"It was so unlike her to leave the door unlocked," Callen continued, "let alone her keys in it. She was sitting there in a chair with 'War and Peace' open on her lap, page 213. She was crying. Not sobbing or anything, just had tears falling down her face. The pages were wet." He smiled at Kensi. "You can still see the water marks. I knelt in front of her, took the book from her and pulled her off the chair into my arms. I had no idea what was wrong, just that she was hurting and I wanted to stop it but didn't know how. She broke down then and the crying got serious. I think she stopped about half an hour later and looked up at me. Her eyes were red and puffy, cheeks streaked with tears and her nose red, but she looked so beautiful to me. It was her eyes. Always her eyes. They held so much emotion in them. You could read them easily, like a large print book." Callen chuckled a little. "She'd have made a lousy undercover agent. But she made a great detective. She cared and she wouldn't let a case go. Even if they had nothing to go on, it would still continue to buzz in the back of her mind."

He'd been grateful that they had managed to solve the case, because it was certainly one that he hadn't wanted to continue eating away at her because they hadn't managed to catch the bastard. An eight year old had been murdered. After the week of hunting and co-operating with the FBI they had finally found him. He didn't survive that encounter but unfortunately they'd been too late. He'd killed another child less than half an hour before they took him down. It had taken Alex a while to get over that one. Wondering if only she'd found something a little sooner. Callen shook his head and brought himself back to the story. Kensi didn't need to know about the case, but there was still a little more to tell her.

"She reached up and kissed me, then stood up and led me upstairs to her bedroom. 'I need you. I need us. I love you.' It was the first time she said that to me. I didn't remember anyone ever telling me that they needed me before that. Not like she did. She meant it, it was like she couldn't survive without me. It was scary to hear but it made me feel so special."

He remembered feeling about ten feet tall and as if he could take on the world and win.

Kensi smiled. "So for both of us it was the right time. It was special. It wasn't just physical."

Callen reached out, cupped her chin and tilted Kensi's head up to his. "It's not just physical for us either Kensi. I'm ready. But this won't go any further until we _both _are and only then."

Kensi smiled her thanks and curled up next to him. "You know we really need to do something about Dom."

"What about Dom?" Callen asked, slightly confused by the topic change.

"He doesn't know about us, and since you've been back I haven't been on any 'dates'. Probably should fix that before he gets suspicious."

"So you went on 'dates' before I came back?"

"He _thinks _I did. Sam would occasionally quiz me about my dating life whilst you were gone."

"Guess we'd better do something about it then."


	4. Chapter 4  Predator

_A/N – Thanks once again for the support and reviews on this. _

_This chapter is slightly more than just a little snippet – it's two little snippets. I hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter – Oops! I forgot. Oh well, this applies to the whole story from Prologue to the end, wherever that ends up being. (Note to self, future disclaimer to be referenced at Chapter 4. Bunnies come back. Apparently I'm forgetful without you!)_

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><p><em>.<br>_

**Chapter 4 – Predator**

Callen and Kensi were alone in the bullpen. He moved closer and sat on the edge of the table next to her and kept his voice low.

"You and I are going on a date," he said.

Kensi looked at him. "Are you asking or is that an order Special Agent Callen?"

Callen had the grace to look a little apologetic.

"Sorry Kenz. Will you go on a date with me?"

"I only do first dates," she stated.

Callen's eyes narrowed. "Thought that was just a cover story for Dom?"

Kensi shook her head. "Nope. Don't do second dates."

"Well, at least give me a chance to see that fun, flirty, attentive girl you claim to be."

"So you want to go out on a date with Sam?" Kensi asked innocently.

Callen moved his head closer to her and held her gaze with his. "No. You and me, with Sam nowhere in sight or hearing range."

"You sound like you have something in mind." She turned her body toward his, the interest evident in her eyes.

"I do. Somewhere nice and private. Dinner and dancing and a chance to talk."

Kensi sat back a little, a slight wave of disappointment settling on her. "As if there is anywhere we could go where we could really talk. We'd be better off ordering pizza and staying home."

"Kenz," Callen said her name softly bringing her attention back to him. "Trust me. I know a place."

"Where?"

"I know a nice hotel. I'll get us a room. We'll order room service. No one to disturb us or overhear anything."

"A hotel room?" she queried. "With a bed?"

Callen couldn't help the image that flashed through his mind. Nor could he help the hope that flared that it would come true. He pushed it back and focused. "Yes, with a bed, but only if we are both ready. Otherwise it's just a private place for dinner and dancing."

Kensi lent forward toward him. "Sounds perfect."

"I'm sure it will be."

Callen and Kensi jumped apart and turned to see Hetty standing there looking at them.

"Miss Blye, perhaps you could head on up to Ops. The rest of the team is there waiting. Mr Callen and I will follow shortly."

Kensi looked at Callen apologetically. She had a feeling that they may have just overstepped Hetty's rules. She stood up and quickly left.

"Hetty, I'm-"

Hetty raised her hand and stopped him. "You weren't breaking any rules Mr Callen. However, had I been someone else, the rumour mill could have had something interesting to talk about at the water cooler."

"It won't happen again Hetty."

"Good."

Hetty turned to go but Callen stopped her with a question. "Why haven't you told the Director?" He was curious why Hetty was protecting them like this. He knew that she could get in trouble if Vance found out from anyone else. Though how much trouble Hetty would actually get in he wasn't entirely sure.

Hetty turned back and walked over to him. "Because, Mr Callen," she said quietly, "I have watched you, for lack of a better description, live in hell for so long. Not so much your life but your heart and it is wonderful to see you healing. Having the Director querying how the two of you were going working together as often as I think he would – not because he wanted your relationship to fail but because he is the Director and is concerned about the safety of those working for him – I felt would have been pressure your new relationship and life did not need. A little bit of breathing space is deserved after such a battle."

"So, we only have one boss breathing down our necks making sure we are following the rules?" Callen teased with a smile.

Hetty smiled back. "Given my stature, I doubt it is your necks I would be breathing down. Now, shall we go see what we can do about finding our missing UAV?"

.

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><p>.<p>

"You're worried."

Callen turned at the familiar voice and saw Alex sitting there on the couch next to him. He hadn't left the office yet. It had been a rough day.

"Hi."

"Hi. You're worried," she repeated.

"What makes you say that?"

Alex lifted her eyebrows at the question, as if the answer should be obvious to him "Well, let's see. I'm here and generally that happens when you are worried about something."

"How do you know when to be here?" Callen asked. He couldn't predict when he would see her. She was just… always there when he needed her.

Alex smiled. "Because G," she said gently, "best friends always know."

"Yeah I'm worried," he admitted, dropping his head back on the couch and looking toward the ceiling. "So many bodies today. I mean it was only two but…" He trailed off, not quite sure where he was going with that.

"You know how I feel about that G. Whether it's one or ten in one day, it's always one or ten too many," Alex reminded him.

"It was also something Hetty said. About not worrying until it doesn't affect them."

Alex reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to face her.

"And you are worried about the fact that it doesn't affect you anymore."

She knew him so well. He missed that. Missed having someone who knew what he was thinking without him having to say it. Whilst he missed Alex, he knew that given time, and of course his co-operation, Kensi would get to know him that well too.

"Yeah."

"It does affect you G," Alex said. "It might not shock you anymore what some people can do to other people. It doesn't shut you down when you come across more bodies than you expect. It doesn't make you gag anymore, but some of that comes with experience at dealing with those situations and some of it comes with having dealt with the horrors of life and knowing how to switch off or focus on something else."

"So how does it affect me exactly?" Callen asked. "Cause right now, I can't think of anything and I really don't want my team to get to this point. How do I protect them?"

"You can't protect them G," Alex said in that tone that she used when it wasn't necessarily what you wanted to hear but needed to. It was soft, gentle and determined. "You know that. They know what this life and job entails. It's not a job where you get to see the best in the world. You see it at its worst. But you can help them learn to deal with it. The way it affects you now is to spur you on to find out who did it. To seek justice for those who can no longer do it for themselves. Like you and Nathan did for me. That is how it affects you. That is the man I fell in love with."

To hear it from someone else, that it did still affect him. That he wasn't so far gone and cold that it didn't matter anymore, was exactly what he needed to hear.

"Why are you still here?" Callen asked, changing the topic dramatically. "I'm better. The fights over. But … Why am I keeping you here?" It was something that confused him. Because whilst he knew he was getting better and he now had Kensi, he didn't want to lose this support he had in Alex being there. It was like she was his subconscious, keeping him on track.

Alex smiled. "It's my choice to stay. It's my choice to let you still see me when you call out to me. To be here for you in whatever way you need."

Callen frowned. "But you still love me. You said that's not going to change. This must be hard for you - seeing me with Kensi."

Alex shrugged. "G, I'm dead. You're not."

"Alex," Callen said firmly in the tone that he used before he would progress to her full name. He caught the twitching of the smile that flittered on her lips.

"All right. Of course it's hard," she admitted. "You know I still feel it all. I've told you that and I know it's not going to change. And yes, there is a part of me that hurts a little seeing you with someone else. Mostly though, I'm happy that you are living again - for real. But G, we were more than partners and lovers. We were best friends. That's why I'm here. That's why I want to be here."

"Alex." This time the tone was soft.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," Callen said. "I needed this."

"I know."

Callen shook his head and grinned. "Yeah, I guess you did."

Alex smiled. "Now go home. Enjoy the rest of your night."

Callen lent across and kissed her cheek. "Thanks for still wanting to be here for me."

"Always."


	5. Chapter 5 Search and Destroy

_A/N – Thanks again for the lovely support and reviews. It means a lot. So this chapter is a little early. Bunnies are hopping a little more lately thanks to the reviews and encouragement. I've also got an assignment to pull off this week so thought I would make the most of a little quiet time today before I get stuck into it tomorrow just in case it takes a little longer than anticipated._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_Enjoy._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 5 – Search and Destroy**

Kensi glanced around the bullpen and seeing only Sam working on some paperwork, she moved over and stood behind Callen and lent down, looking at his computer screen as if they were studying something for the case.

"You," she hissed softly, "are in trouble."

"For what?" Callen asked, narrowly resisting the urge to look at her.

"Not waking me this morning," Kensi said softly, her breath drifting over his ear and down his neck.

Callen managed to stop a groan in time so Sam, or anyone else, didn't pick up on it, though the slight chuckle from Kensi told him she hadn't missed it. Damn the woman and her ability to turn him on with barely any effort. It probably didn't help that the memories of last night were incredibly close to the surface and their date had been nowhere near long enough for him, even though it had gone on til the early hours of the morning.

"I woke you," he said quietly while his fingers tapped away at the computer.

"No, you didn't."

This time he did turn to face her and she was so close for a moment he couldn't think of anything except for what it would be like to pull her into his lap and kiss her. To tangle his hands in her hair that was loose. Possibly to cover a couple of marks that had been left behind. He'd discovered last night that he really liked her hair out.

"I did," Callen said firmly. "You told me to go. That you would see me here." Callen saw the look in her eye, the doubt that she remembered things quite right. "You don't remember?" he asked.

"Umm … Look, next time just make sure I'm actually out of the bed before you leave." Her voice was so low that he barely heard her.

Callen smirked. "So there is going to be a next time? Good."

Kensi rolled her eyes and moved away, ignoring his comment. Callen couldn't help the elated feeling that maybe, just maybe he would actually get that second date. Somehow.

Kensi sat back down in her chair and looked over at him. "You know my rules. Not gonna to happen."

Callen narrowed his eyes at her. He wasn't going to let her get away with that. A second date was definitely on the cards. He'd just have to figure out how to get around her rule and convince her.

_Who said a date had to be only one night?_

The voice was distinctly Alex. Callen chuckled to himself. One of the things he'd always loved about Alex was her ability to creatively see around a problem. Apparently she was now sharing her talent with him.

Callen rose from his chair and moved to stand behind Kensi. He lent down and whispered in her ear. "Well then, we'll just have to go with the other option. Our first date hasn't finished yet and won't be for a very, very long time."

With that Callen walked away before she could answer. He glanced back to see the shocked look on Kensi's face gradually shift to a smile and a shake of her head. Sam caught his eye with a questioning look but Callen just smirked and headed off.

_Thanks Alex._

_You're welcome._

* * *

><p><em>.<br>_

_(In the car after he'd dropped of Walton Flynn)_

"G?"

Callen didn't know how long he'd been sitting there in the car for after Flynn had disappeared before he heard her voice. He didn't turn to look at her though.

"Am I using her Alex? Am I using her to get over you?"

"No."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I know you. You've been in love with her for a lot longer than you think. I just helped you see it. It has nothing to do with trying to get over me, G."

"I can't do this with her," Callen protested. Maybe the date had been a mistake. Had they rushed things?

"Yes you can." Alex said firmly. "And no. You didn't rush into anything."

Callen shook his head. "This kind of life was never made for attachments or relationships. Lone wolf. That's the kind of life I should be living."

"No." Alex put her hand on his shoulder as she spoke but he didn't turn to face her. "The kind of life you should be living is the one that makes you happy and fulfilled. Now your job fulfils that desire for justice and Kensi fulfils the personal side," Alex added.

Finally Callen turned to face her. "She's in danger."

"Yes, and not just because she's with you. She's made her own set of enemies. Maybe not as many as you but they are there."

"I should –"

Alex shook her head. "Stop G. We've been through this before. You love her and there is no way I am letting you walk away from the second best thing in your life."

Callen couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped him. "Second huh? Would that make you the first?"

Alex grinned. "Maybe. Maybe it's Sam or Hetty."

The smiled dropped from Callen's face. "This guy tonight, Flynn. He was right though. Teaching my kid baseball in the park, it's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

"Because there is a high likelihood of me dying soon."

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

Callen looked back to her. "Not interested in me joining you yet?"

"Nope. Spent too much time fighting to keep you alive. Not going to stop now. _Especially_ since you've finally started opening up and loving again."

Callen studied Alex for a moment. He remembered everything he'd gone through when she'd died. Remembered everything they'd had before that. "Can I really keep her safe?" he asked. He didn't want to let Kensi go, or push her away. He just wanted her safe and not to have to go through it again. Maybe he was being selfish though. Maybe he was just wanting to protect himself.

"All you can do is love her and protect her how you can G." Alex ran her finger gently over his cheek and caught the lone tear that had escaped him. He closed his eyes at her touch. It was as comforting as it always had been. "You know there are no guarantees," she said softly. "I'm sure Kensi feels the same way. Go home G. Don't run from her."

Callen opened his eyes but she was gone. Checking the mirrors he pulled away and drove back to Kensi's apartment. He hadn't planned on going back there tonight but he needed to decide whether this relationship could continue. And he needed to see her to help.

Callen slipped into her apartment quietly and with the light from the bathroom he sat on the chair and watched her sleep.

He didn't think he could bear to watch her die like he had with Alex. To lose them both because of who he was and enemies he'd made. Losing Alex had almost destroyed him. Losing Kensi on top of that – there would be no almost about it.

"Callen?" Kensi's voice was soft and sleepy. "Though you weren't coming tonight."

"Changed my mind." He'd been planning on staying at one of his other places, that of an alias he had neglected a little lately.

"So why are you over there?" she asked.

"Just thinking."

"Uh oh. Not good."

Callen chuckled and stood up. He shucked his pants, shirt, shoes and socks before he moved closer to the bed.

"Much better," Kensi teased softly as she lifted the covers for him.

Callen slipped under the covers and she moved into his arms settling her head on his shoulder and her arm around his waist.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked.

Callen thought for a moment before deciding. "It scares me to think of losing you like I lost Alex. I've made enemies Kenz. Ones who don't care who they hurt to get to me. It's not going to be a simple or safe life for you with me."

Kensi sat up and looked at him. "You been talking to Alex?" she asked.

Callen looked her in the eyes and realised she didn't seem to mind this other person in their relationship. "Yeah. How did you know?"

Kensi smiled. "Tough times are when I tend to still see James. I don't mind, Callen," she assured him. "She's probably a little more confidential than Nate since she's not going to be interrogated by Hetty."

Callen smiled at that.

"Talk to her all you want Callen. You need someone to be able to talk to."

"I have you," Callen admitted.

Kensi reach out and stroked his cheek gently, similar to what Alex had done earlier, only there were no tears to catch this time. "Yep. Two sets of ears are always better than one though."

"Kenz."

"Yeah?"

"I love you," Callen said. "I'm going to fight for this. For us. I won't run. At least I'll try not to." It was a promise he made to both of them.

"You do, I'll come find you," Kensi replied seriously. "I'll find Alex, that is if she doesn't find me first, and she'll know where you are and she has already talked to me twice so I know she'll help me out."

"Twice?"

Kensi looked a little guilty.

"Kenz?"

"That night you had the nightmare about her dying. I had a dream and she was in it, telling me to wake up, to go to you and help because she couldn't."

"You met her then?"

"I didn't know it was her until I saw the photo. Just thought it was a weird dream."

Callen smiled and pulled her back down into his arms. "I'm glad she woke you."

"Me too," Kensi said as she settled her body close to his. "Now, I don't know about you, but I've got to get up early for work."

"We work at the same place Kenz."

"Yeah but you aren't always on time. I'm not fond of getting on the wrong side of Hetty."

"She's a softy if you know the right way around her. Plus, it's not like you're always on time. Take this morn-" Kensi's playful punch stopped him there.

"Don't go there. Not unless you want me to call you on your woeful gaming skills."

"Night Kenz."

"Night Callen."

"Kenz?"

"What?" she asked slightly exasperated and tired.

"You can call me G if you want."

Kensi lifted her head and smiled. "As much as I would love to do that. I think it might be better if I didn't."

"Not even when we are alone?" Callen asked.

Kensi shook her head. "I think it would be a big flag that something was going on if I slipped up, since Sam is pretty much the only one to call you that."

"Yeah, I guess you are right."

"I tell you what though," Kensi said, "if we get to a point of everyone knowing anyway, I'll change then."

"Deal. So that would be a definitely sometime in the future."

"Sounds good."


	6. Chapter 6  Killshot

_A/N – Still loving the support. It's very encouraging. Hope everyone has a great weekend._

_This one was a little tricky. Not a whole lot in this episode Callen/Kensi wise so hopefully you'll enjoy this little tag to the end._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_Enjoy._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 6 – Killshot**

"Do you have a nemesis like Kai is for Vance?" Kensi asked as they got into bed.

Callen ran his fingers over her shoulder as she curled up into him and rested her head on his. "A few."

"Want to tell me about them?"

"You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."

"Don't have any. Still just a young thing!" she joked. She had some enemies, just not like this.

"Let's hope you don't make any."

Callen's tone was serious and Kensi lifted her head and looked at him intently.

"So?" she prodded

"There was the one that killed Alex but I took care of him in the end so I doubt that he counts anymore. There's this one guy in Afghanistan. We've had about half a dozen close calls but neither of us has managed to take the other one out. Don't have to worry about him though unless I end up back there."

"And?" Kensi prompted when he paused. Somehow she felt that wasn't it.

"There's this one girl."

"Girl huh?" Kensi queried with a lift of her eyebrows.

Callen smiled and shook his head. "Nothing like that. I took down her father and she witnessed it. She ran but she's sworn that if it's the last thing she's does, she'll take me down too." He held Kensi a little tighter as he felt the tension rise in her. "Luckily she thinks that alias died a few years ago. We had one too many run-ins and Hetty took 'him' out of commission."

"How many run-ins?" Kensi asked concerned. She knew he had enemies but she wasn't expecting someone to have such a personal grudge against Callen.

"Only three, but that's three times too many. It was a fight to survive with all of them. Not as bad as this last time but still, hospitals, surgery and major recovery time." Admittedly those three had taken place over a span of fifteen years.

"You think she believes 'he' is really gone?"

"I don't know. Hope so. Cause she's got some talent with weapons." He'd never been able to get close enough to her to explain. He wasn't even sure if she knew exactly what it was her father had done and why he needed to be taken out.

"Care to show me a picture so I know what to watch out for?"

"Don't have one. She changes her looks every time but I know her eyes." He'd never forget the pain in them. She'd obviously loved and adored her father and he knew that she would never forgive him. He wasn't even sure if he had been able to explain whether she'd change her mind or not.

"Well that's not going to help me protect you from her is it?"

Callen grinned and pulled her down onto his chest. "Just protect me from all women and I'll be fine."

Kensi smiled and rolled her eyes. Callen felt the tension leave her a little and relaxed himself.

"All women?"

"Yeah. Not too hard a task for you is it?" There was a definite challenge in his tone.

"Oh I can handle it. With one exception."

Callen lifted an eyebrow in question.

"Hetty. She's all yours."

Callen rolled Kensi over and looked her in the eyes. "You're the only one who is all mine," he said softly before kissing her and making sure the conversation was forgotten for the rest of the night.


	7. Chapter 7 Keepin it Real

_A/N – Many thanks for the reviews and encouragement. Means more than you can imagine right now._

_As you may be able to tell, the bunnies are also loving the reviews and seem to be getting a little happier with popping in to help on chapters.  
><em>

_Thanks to TwilightPony21 for an idea she gave me a couple of chapters ago – that Alex should help convince Kensi to go on a second date. Well, the bunnies liked the idea and ran with it, only parallel to the original idea so here goes nothing._

_Hope you enjoy these snippets for this episode. I've put in italics the time frame for comparison to the episode just to keep things clear._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 7 – Keepin' it Real**

_(pre-episode)_

"You should tell him."

Kensi jumped a couple of inches off her seat and turned toward the all too familiar voice as her hand went over her heart in some misguided attempt to slow it down.

"James," she said sternly.

"Kensi." His look and tone was about as innocent as a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar but not caring at all that they had been caught.

Kensi shook her head in mock irritation. He'd never really responded to that tone.

"Tell him what?" She sat back on the couch and took some quiet deep breaths.

"What you told Nate," James said. "The real reason you don't go on second dates."

"You were there?"

James lifted his eyebrows. "I didn't need to be there. I know you, Kensi Blye. The good, the bad and the gorgeous."

Kensi dropped her head back on the couch. "You know I don't know what's worse. That you know so much – especially after … you know … you died. Or that my heart is still racing because I got scared by a ghost."

James chuckled. "I'm not a ghost."

"A figment of my imagination then." Kensi groaned. "That's even worse. I'd never live this down if the guys at work found out."

"Lucky they won't. I'm not telling anyone. And, honestly, I prefer Angel or subconscious apparition or even spiritual guide. Ghost and figment of your imagination don't do it for me."

Now it was Kensi's turn to chuckle. "So what is my reason then? For not doing second dates, Mr Oh-So-Wise Angel of mine."

"Guilty. You still loved me."

"I still do," she admitted softly.

"I know," James said in that gentle voice that had brought her back from the brink of despair more than once. "But it's different now and you don't feel guilty anymore. You have no reason to … now or then."

"So call me an irrational female then."

James laughed and shook his head. "I would but I remember your punches could hurt and I'm not game to find out if my angel status negates that kind of inflicted pain."

And with that teasing remark, somehow, in the way that was just James, he took the last of the tension out of her. Because she had been tense, she had been worrying about how things were going with Callen and the whole dating thing. Which was probably why she'd jumped so much when he popped in. She'd been so lost in her own thoughts. "So I should just go on a second date. Say yes and let it happen."

"Good grief no." James grinned at the look on her face. "Make the man work for it. You did me. Let me enjoy the entertainment of seeing how he gets around you."

"You would enjoy that, would you?"

"I would enjoy anything that makes you happy, Kensi Marie Blye. Now think about it. He's come a long way with you. Perhaps it's time for you to take another step of your own toward him."

James lent over and kissed her on the cheek.

"James."

"Yeah?

"Promise me you'll stay out of my sessions with Nate."

James paused before he grinned cheekily and finally answered her.

"I promise I'll stay out of your sessions. But I can't promise that I'll stay out of your head. You're far too irresistible."

Kensi closed her eyes, smiled and shook her head. When she opened them again, James was gone.

* * *

><p><em>(During episode)<em>

"Do you think she knows?"

"Who knows?" Callen frowned, confusion on clear on his face at Kensi's question.

"Hetty."

"What could Hetty possibly know?" A smile twitched on Callen's lips as he realised what he had said. Because everyone knows Hetty knows just about everything.

Kensi grabbed Callen's arm and pulled him to a stop before they entered the hotel. "That we were here?"

"Kenz, we paid cash for the room. We didn't even drive our cars here. No one could possibly know."

"Yeah but Hetty's not no one. What if she was here when we were?" Hetty had mentioned that this was a great place for a staycation and it definitely seemed like she had actually been here before.

"Kenz. Stop. What did we do when we were here?" Callen raised his eyebrows suggestively and ran a quick heated gaze over her.

Kensi didn't quite know what to say to that as memories of their first night together flooded her mind.

"We didn't leave the room," Callen continued. "Not even to check out the rooftop pool at night. The mojitos were from room service. We didn't go to the bar and when we arrived and left we checked things thoroughly before going anywhere. Hetty wasn't here." He frowned. He'd left before here. "You did check things right when you left?"

"Of course I did," Kensi replied with a slight roll of her eyes. "And, since I was late," she emphasised late so he knew he was still in trouble for not waking her properly, "Hetty would have already been at the office when I left anyway."

"There you go. Hetty couldn't possibly know. Score one for us."

"You know what, I think I'd be willing to place a bet that she does know."

"What do I get when I win?"Callen asked.

Kensi smiled. "Who said you'd win?"

"Hetty doesn't know. But when I win, I get that second date. We come back and check out that pool." Callen pulled her close. "Alone and forget the swimmers."

Kensi felt her blood heat at the look in his eyes. She took a deep breath and saw the desire flare in his eyes as her breasts rose and fell against his chest. "Why is it that is sounding like a bet I wouldn't mind losing, just as long as you can guarantee no one else is around?" she asked softly.

"Oh I'm pretty sure I can guarantee that." Callen waited, patiently hoping for an agreement for that second date, though with her body pressed against his and her lips so close, he also had other things on his mind.

Kensi cleared her throat. "Umm, we should get back to work."

"Hmm, work?"

"Yeah. You know that thing we do daily that we aren't supposed to be letting our personal relationship interfere with."

Callen nodded as he managed to follow her conversation, at least a little. "Or else Hetty will split us up," he added.

"That would be the one."

"Then what are you waiting for, Special Agent Blye?"

"You to let me go Special Agent in Charge Callen."

"Oh."

* * *

><p><em>(post episode)<em>

Callen made his way back to Kensi's after handing over the cash to Agent Giordano. Kensi opened the door at his knock, smiled and stepped back to let him pass.

"Hi," she said.

When Callen didn't step through the door, Kensi frowned.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. Just… Come have dinner with me."

The end of her recent conversation with James flashed through her mind.

"A Date?" Kensi queried with a smile.

"No. Just dinner."

Kensi studied Callen's face for a few moments, but she couldn't read him. Something was up. "All right," she agreed and grabbed her handbag and jacket.

Twenty minutes later they were seated in a secluded spot in a small Italian restaurant near the beach.

Callen hadn't said much on the drive or since they had been seated. He seemed preoccupied.

After a few minutes Kensi prodded. "Callen? What's going on?"

Callen looked back to her. "I'm sorry. Just … I was thinking about Alex… and about you."

"Why?"

"Agent Giordano."

"Ah." Kensi nodded. "The flirty FBI Agent."

Callen smiled a little. "She never stood a chance against you."

"So Hetty suggested."

"She never stood a chance against Alex either. Even if they did look similar."

"So you were a little interested?" Kensi fought back the jealousy that flared. She'd been fighting with it most of this op since she'd realised Agent Giordano was interested in Callen.

Callen shook his head. "She reminded me of Alex and I guess I responded to that a little. The blonde hair, cop factor." Callen shrugged. "That was where the similarity ended though. Giordano was forceful and pushy – not flirty."

"You flirted back."

"She didn't respond to the 'Don't go there' vibe." Callen smiled softly and Kensi knew he was thinking about Alex. "Alex on the other hand could read me like a book. She might not have known at the beginning what I was up to but she always knew I was up to something. She could also take a hint. But then I could read her too so knew when to continue even when she said she wasn't interested."

"She said no often?"

"Yeah. First date was a while in the making."

"Would you have pushed if you hadn't been able to read her?"

Callen shook his head. "No. Well at least I would have probably taken a different tactic with her. Tried to make friends first rather than push the date thread."

"You know," Kensi said gently, "you haven't talked much about the relationship you had with her."

"I know. And I want to change that. I don't want secrets. I know that you know Alex isn't a threat. But she was a big part of my life and I want you to know that part of me. That part I can give you. Some parts of my life I can't. I don't even know some of them."

Kensi could sense the discontent he felt, not knowing so much about his childhood or family.

"Whatever you want to give," she said by way of encouragement.

"Alex was so easy to read and she loved her job, as awful as it was. She had such a soft and gentle way about her – and I don't mean physically. Unlike Giordano who was harsh, brash and determined to steam-roll her way to what she wanted. There was something about Alex. I could never put my finger on a word to describe it but she was approachable, comforting, accepting. Once, I saw her questioning a kid who'd been through some pretty bad stuff. He'd clammed up so tight he wouldn't say a word to anyone, not even his name. Yet she got him to talk. It amazed me that she managed to make this kid feel so safe that he opened up to her."

Callen smiled. "I'm pretty sure she used that technique on me too, only it wasn't really a technique. It was a look and tone to her voice that just smashed through any barriers and made you believe in the impossible."

"She sounds pretty great."

Callen nodded. "She had a hopeless poker face for interrogation so Nathan usually took care of that. You couldn't read him in an interview even if you had a manual. But, if the case was seriously close to her heart, there was no one more terrifying to be faced with than Alex angry and questioning."

Callen reached across the table and took her hand.

"Kenz, You're not like Alex, yet you are. You are so different but you've both given me something to live for. Someone to trust and to love. Someone to have faith in and depend on. And not just as a team mate. This is different, this is personal and it's something I will always treasure."

"I think I would have liked her."

"I know you would have."

"Yeah, I would've. She gave you to me so she can't be all bad."

Callen chuckled and picked up the wine glass. Kensi followed and waited.

"To the two women of my life. My past and my future. Both who are amazing cops and I couldn't imagine anyone handling me better than the two of you." He grinned. "And God or someone else help me if you two ever gang up on me again. I don't stand a chance."

They touched glasses and took a sip. Kensi lowered hers and tried to wipe away the tears that had dripped onto her cheeks. She knew how closed off Callen usually was from personal relationships and to have him admit how much he treasured her input into his laugh had been the undoing of her calm exterior. Callen noticed and leaned across the table to take care of it.

"I'm mean it Kenz. I love you and I trust you." While he was still leaning over he asked, "So Kensi Blye, how about that second date? Give me a chance to fix the mistakes of the first one."

Kensi cleared her throat. "Hypothetically, if I agreed, what would you change?"

Callen sat back and smiled. "One, I'd make sure we didn't have to go to work the next day."

"Why didn't you do that this time?"

"Because I didn't want to wait six weeks to take you out and the hotel was booked up that far."

Kensi nodded slightly in conciliation of the fact that she wouldn't have wanted to wait that long either. "Two?"

"Two, I think we should skip the dancing and make the most of the pool as previously mentioned."

"This is sounding promising. Anything else you'd like to change?"

"Definitely improve on the morning wake up."

"Deal."

"Deal?" Callen repeated surprised that she had already agreed. He had more up his sleeve to help.

"Deal," Kensi repeated.

* * *

><p><em>AN 2 - For those unsure who James is, (that would be those who have only popped into this story and not read Letting Go) he is Kensi's Fiance who died and she still sees, a little like Callen still sees Alex. I hope you enjoyed meeting him._


	8. Chapter 8 Pushback

_A/N – Okay, sorry for the little delay. Things have been a bit hectic this last week at home._

_Now, I have to say thanks to esalvatore for this comment in her review:_

"I also like Callen talking about Alex with Kensi. LOL at the 'ganging up' comment. Now, if Alex, Kensi and Hetty got together... scary. Wouldn't want to be on bad terms with them."

_It inspired this chapter._

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 8 – Pushback**

Callen took another mouthful of his beer. He was standing on the back porch at Alina's house, looking out over the garden. He'd been here, in the bright spot from his past, long enough that darkness had descended and the stars were out. He gave a wry smile when he heard the lightest of footsteps join him.

"Hetty."

"Mr Callen."

"That's two."

"Two what?"

"Alex and Alina. Two women I've cared about that have been killed because of me. How many more am I going to lose?"

"Are there many more out there?"

"Kensi … and you," Callen admitted.

Hetty chuckled softly. It surprised Callen and he finally turned his head to face her.

"Trust me Mr Callen. If anyone was to come after me, there is a 99.9% chance that it will be because of something I have done. And you would only make up a very small part of that last 0.1%"

"What about Kensi?"

"What about you?" Hetty countered.

Callen frowned not entirely sure where Hetty was going with that question.

"It is not your fault, Mr Callen. Alex and Alina. Their deaths are not on your head. If someone wants to come after you, either through you or someone you care about, it is not your doing."

"If it wasn't for me, they'd both be alive."

"If it wasn't for meeting you, Alex wouldn't have met the love of her love. She wouldn't have had three years with you. She loved the man you are, enemies and all, and was willing to take the risk to be with you. You do remember what she wrote in her letter don't you?"

"I remember Hetty. I'm not likely to ever forget. What I don't know is why she let me do this job. She encouraged me even though it scared her. I knew that it did. Yet she never asked me to stop or do something else. Why? Why did she put herself in such danger?" He'd never asked her either, even though he could see it in her eyes. That ability to read her so easily meant that she had very few secrets from him. Usually he used that to his advantage but on this matter, he'd done his best to ignore what he knew.

"That is something I can't answer," Hetty replied. "However, if I were to hazard a guess, I would say that she did it because she loves you."

"And Alina? Why was she looking into this? Into me dying? She barely knew me and she was so young when I was with them."

"You barely knew her or her parents but you remembered them. What would you have done for them, if someone had come after them? Would you have come back and tried to protect them?"

"I tried not to look back, Hetty."

"Tried, but were not successful."

"Not completely. But I stayed away to keep them safe."

"I repeat, it is not your fault, Mr Callen. You were not the hand on the gun that took their lives."

"I might as well have been."

Hetty straightened up. "Mr Callen. Trust me, if you had been the one behind the gun, you would not have pulled the trigger. You do not kill people just to get at someone else."

"Hetty," her name came out on a sigh, "you know what I did after Alex died."

"Yes. I do know," Hetty confirmed. "I also know that you didn't kill anyone who was innocent or anyone else for that matter just for 'the heck of it'. Your main reasons behind pulling the trigger may have been personal; however they were not the only reasons. Had they been, I would have raked you over the coals and done more than just suspended you long before I did."

"Hetty I…" Callen trailed off.

Hetty's voice softened considerably. The change in tone took Callen off guard.

"Callen, please believe me. You are nothing like the men who took Alex and Alina's lives. It was not your fault."

Callen couldn't find any words to respond and Hetty took that as her cue to leave him to his thoughts and left as quietly as she had come. He turned his gaze back to the garden and looked out. The scent of lilies and freesias drifted over him. Then he saw her, walking by the flowering bushes at the back of the garden. He smiled, put down his beer and moved across the lawn to join her.

"Hi," Alex said softly when he was at her side.

"Hi."

Callen watched as she moved to smell one of the flowers.

"You want to know why I didn't stop you joining OSP."

The question took Callen by surprise, not that it should have. After all, according to her she was always there which meant she knew exactly what had transpired in the conversation between him and Hetty. "One of the many things I didn't find out. I was scared to ask," Callen admitted.

Alex turned to him and smiled gently. "You weren't someone who liked a lot of rules to do your work by. Rules held you back and frustrated you. You'd been through almost every agency there was and when you talked about working with OSP, your eyes lit up. You were excited and you obviously wanted to go there. I'd watched you get slightly more down about work over the year before. I knew why you joined DEA. You wanted to make a difference after one of your team mates died when you uncovered a drug operation when you were expecting something else. Malcolm died. You didn't want to let it be for nothing so you moved agencies to be part of those who tracked them down and cleaned up the world."

"Malcolm was a great agent. We should have known."

Alex's hand went to his arm. "You didn't. No one did. Not even DEA. It was as much news to them as it was to you. With them yes, you made a difference but it wasn't your dream. With OSP," Alex smiled again, "it was like you'd found your way home."

Callen reached out and stroked her cheek. He shook his head. "No. Home was when I found you."

Alex's eyes sparkled. "Okay, I'm not going to argue with that. I'll rephrase. It was like you'd found your calling. Somewhere you could be who you needed to be to get the job done without having to worry about too many rules. Your hands would no longer be tied and you would have a great deal of support behind you to do it."

"But it was dangerous."

"Yes. I knew that. But, if I'd stopped you, every time I'd look at you and not see that sparkle, that excitement about your work, I'd know it was because of me. I'd have lost you bit by bit, day by day. And it's not like the work you did anyway wasn't dangerous." Alex paused for a moment. "G, it's not your fault that I died."

Callen pulled away abruptly. "They killed you because of me."

Alex put her hand back on his arm and turned him back to her. The pain was clear in his eyes, magnified by Alina's death as well. He saw it reflected in hers, as always.

"Yes," she admitted. "They killed me because of you. But that doesn't make it your fault. No more than someone jumping out a window onto your car to kill themselves is your fault because of where you parked the car."

"Alex-"

"Not finished yet."

Callen shut his mouth and waited. He knew that tone and it wasn't one he'd ever successfully argued with.

"You were only with them three months," Alex continued, "but they made a huge impression on you. Don't you think you made one on them too? Alina obviously cared about you and when she thought you were killed, she wanted to help find out who did it and get them. She did that the only way she knew. Not with guns or fists."

"She shouldn't have."

"Why not? She's just like you. Does that mean you shouldn't have tracked down mine?"

Callen frowned. "I don't understand."

Alex smiled knowingly. "You went and figured out who did it and took them down. You avenged my death. It's exactly what she did as well. Only she didn't survive the process. You did. Though you didn't care if you did or didn't live."

"Arkady shouldn't have let her."

"Perhaps he shouldn't. But let's try and figure out something good from this G. If she hadn't been the one taking the photos, there never would have been photos of you on the memory card. Because of that, you were brought in on this investigation. That wouldn't have happened if it had been anyone else. Alina being there; it led you to the bad guys and you got them. Without you involved that may never have happened. She died, yes. But she died doing what she really wanted to do. Get the one responsible for the shooting of her big brother."

Callen shook his head. "She –"

Alex cut him off. "Stop and listen please," she begged, in a soft tone eerily reminiscent of the tone Hetty had used with her last comment earlier. "I'm almost done. G, you are an amazing man, a loving man. You _are_ worth dying for." Alex shook her head when he opened his mouth to deny it. "Yes, you are. On the flipside, you are also a man very much worth living for and if I'd had a shred of a chance to do that I would have fought so hard to stay with you." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears and Callen stepped closer to pull her into his arms.

Alex pulled back, stepped out of his arms and smiled. "Tag."

Callen frowned.

"Callen? Are you here?"

He turned toward the voice. Kensi's voice. He turned back to Alex but she was gone.

"I'm here Kenz," Callen said. He stepped back up onto the porch.

Kensi stepped up beside him, her shoulder brushing his. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly.

Callen nodded. It was an automatic response because he wasn't quite okay. "How'd you find me?"

Kensi shrugged a little guiltily. "I asked Eric to track you down. I was worried about you."

"I'll be fine Kenz. It's just been a rough time."

Kensi slipped her arm around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "It's not your fault. You know that right?"

Callen couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up.

Kensi lifted her head, confused by his reaction.

"You know," Callen said, "I knew you and Alex were a force to be reckoned with and that I probably wouldn't stand a chance against the two of you. But when you throw Hetty into the mix." He shook his head and continued. "That's just overkill."

Kensi still looked confused so Callen explained. "So far tonight Hetty, Alex and you have been working that same detail. It's not my fault."

"Well it's not," Kensi repeated firmly.

Callen reached out and tucked Kensi's hair behind her ear. "I think I'd better start believing that because I really don't want to end up with the three of you joining together to come after me at the same time. I'm not entirely sure if I'd live to tell the tale."

Kensi smiled. "Us girls who care about you will do what we have to do."

"I know." Callen pulled her back into his arms and starred out at the garden again.

"It's beautiful here," Kensi said softly.

"Yeah. The best three months that I can remember of my childhood were here." He could clearly see the memories of him and Alina and her parents. Of spending time and playing out here. With a ball, digging in the garden, eating dinner. So many things. It was his first real memory of feeling like a part of a family.

"Why did you leave?" Kensi asked.

Callen shrugged. "I don't know. Some bureaucratic paper shuffle sent me onto the next place. I was never really told why."

Kensi looked up at him. "Any favourite memories you want to share?"

Callen smiled. "Actually, how about we go for ice-cream?"

"Ice-cream?"

"Yeah. There's this place that's still around I think, not far from here, that we used to go to when I lived here. I'll tell you some stories there."

Kensi stepped back and held out her hand. Callen slipped his into hers and they moved quietly through the house, making sure he locked the doors as he went. It wasn't until they were walking down the path that Kensi spoke again.

"So, have you decided when we're going on that second date?"

Callen grinned. "Worried about what to pack?"

"A girl needs a little time to get organised."

"Don't worry. You won't need much."


	9. Chapter 9 Ambush

_A/N – Okay, this took a little longer than expected. Turned out longer than just a snippet too._

_Part of the enjoyment for this chapter for me was figuring out why Callen was so … snippy (maybe not quite the right description but it will do) with Sam for coming in to him, cause IMO there was more to it than just bantering between partners._

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 9 – Ambush**

_Callen and Alex_

"G."

Callen turned and saw Alex sit down next to him on the sand. It was late afternoon and the sun was getting ready to set.

"Alex."

She studied him for a moment, the look was one he knew well. "Seriously G, you really need to stop getting hurt."

"Hey, not my fault. I had things under control until Sam came in as if he was the cavalry."

"Come on, G. Are you okay?"

Callen smiled. "I'm fine, Alex," he assured her. "Just a headache." And a little of the heart too.

"And Kensi?"

Callen shook his head. "You're not here about the head are you?"

Alex shrugged and didn't even have the grace to look a little guilty. "Not really."

Callen looked down toward the waves and took a deep breath. He noticed a little girl playing near the water's edge. She looked familiar.

"Is that Lily?" he asked.

"Yep. Don't change the subject G. Tell me about Kensi," she said with a gentle little nudge of her shoulder into his.

Callen sighed. He hadn't seen Kensi since late last night. "I freaked out. She was out there alone."

"Not alone. She had Renko."

"She should've had Sam too."

"So that's why you're so mad at Sam," Alex said. "Not because he came in to try and help you, but because he had your back instead of hers?"

Callen reigned in the anger he felt at Sam. He knew it was misplaced which was why he hadn't said anything to Sam, though he had lost it a little with Kensi. "Yeah," he admitted.

"G," Alex said gently but firmly, "you know she is a capable agent. More than capable. She wouldn't be working with you if she wasn't."

"I know but I could've lost her."

"And she could have lost you."

Callen looked over at her again. "We both freaked out a little over that," he said. A little was an understatement considering the way things had gone last night when they'd finally wrapped things up and gone home.

"No kidding." There was a hint of a cheeky smile to Alex's lips and he tried not to smile. She had a way to draw one out of him in almost every situation. Something else he'd never quite worked out how she did it, like getting him to talk.

Callen turned and focused on Lily for a moment whilst he thought. This time he did smile as he watched her leap out of the way of the waves as she searched in the sand for something.

"I was just doing my job," Callen finally said. "It was dangerous but I knew they'd have my back."

"How do you think she felt knowing you were knocked unconscious for goodness knows how long? Not being there with you? Knowing that it was just her and Renko out there to try and get you and Sam out? After everything she's been through with you lately, getting a little freaked out about it is expected. And G, you do remember that I got more freaked out than Kensi did and you didn't react this way."

Callen turned and looked at her. "I remember," he said with a smile that she didn't expect. "How could I forget the moment when I knew some day I'd marry you?"

He remembered how quiet she'd been in the hospital, barely saying anything though never leaving his side for those four days after a mission with the DEA had gone south. Two while he'd been unconscious and two after he'd woken up. Then they'd arrived home and she'd turned to him and completely lost it, ranting for about fifteen minutes before she'd slid down the wall, tears pouring down her face and admitted, in the only words that he'd actually been able to make sense of, that she didn't know if she could survive if something happened to him.

"What? How … I went off at you and you decided then you'd marry me?"

"Yeah."

Alex finally got rid of the shocked look on her face and smiled back. "Took you long enough to propose then, since we'd only been together a year." It was almost three years by the time he did.

Callen chuckled. "True, but a guy really doesn't want to ask that particular question unless he is quite confident of a yes."

"G, the answer was always going to be yes. I wouldn't have been with you if I didn't think we'd make it."

"Doesn't mean I knew what your answer would be. But that day, even though I didn't technically hear anything you said while you were ranting at me, I could see everything you were trying to say in your eyes. I knew you loved me. I knew you were scared. I knew you had no idea how to protect me from getting hurt like that again. I also knew you wanted to drag me away from my job and keep my safe but that you wouldn't."

"I couldn't. I was so scared seeing you lying there in the coma –"

"Unconscious."

"Coma," Alex reiterated firmly. "You were so still, so pale and I had no idea if you'd come back to me. I was more scared than I had ever been in my life before that. Even with everything I'd seen and done with my job. I went through every possible scenario on how to keep you safe, how I could get you to quit. Even thought about just plain begging you to quit or suggesting we had kids and you to stay home and look after them whilst I worked to support us."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But I couldn't ask you to stop fighting the bad guys. Just like you couldn't do that to me either. It was who we were. It was one of the reasons I loved you. Kensi loves you too. It part of the reason she freaked out, like I did."

"I know, but you didn't really understand what my job entailed back then. Kensi does."

Alex might have known the theory, but the reality he'd kept from her as best he could.

"G, Kensi might be a tough and talented agent but she's still a woman who is in love with you. Just like I was. Forget the agent side of her and react to the woman that she is. There are two sides to her, just like there was me. They don't always match up. Don't think that just because she _knows _what this life is like that it's going to change how that other side of her reacts to situations on a personal level, even if she can handle it in the field."

"When did you get so wise?"

Alex smiled. "After that freak out. All the things I'd seen with my job didn't prepare me for that moment. I realised that nothing that I knew from my job was going to help me be any less scared or worried for you and what you did. You are the man I love and I wanted to do anything and everything to make sure you never got hurt again but I couldn't do that without changing who you were. I couldn't change who I was either. I figured I was always going to be that scared and that I could either lose it all the time or just accept it and try to stay a little calmer. You know it took a while, but I got there. And then when I was able to help find you when Walsh took you, I finally realised that I could protect you – at least in that I would do everything I could to find you and get you back and I was pretty good at that."

Lily came bouncing up to them at that point and handed Callen a shell. "For Kensi," she said.

Callen looked down at it and ran his fingers over the extremely smooth soft shell that was white. He turned it over and on the inside of the shell it was a beautiful purple colour that blended out to pink.

He looked back up and smiled at Lily. "Thank you. It's beautiful."

Lily moved closer and kissed him on the cheek. Callen was shocked that he could feel it.

Alex did the same.

"You know what to do G."

He looked at her, still slightly confused by the fact that he'd felt Lily's kiss. "What?"

"What you do best," she said. "Follow your instincts and your heart. It'll take you where you need to go."

"I hope so."

Alex shrugged. "If it doesn't, trust me. I'll be back and send you in the right direction. And it definitely won't be subtle"

Alex stood up and took Lily's hand. "Bye G."

He smiled at both of them.

"Bye Daddy."

They turned and walked away. Callen watched them until they started to disappear. He took a deep breath and then went to stand up but there was something in his hand that stopped him and he looked down.

The shell from Lily.

He looked back to where he had last seen them but they were gone. Again he wondered just what it was that was happening to him with Alex and Lily. He shook his head and stood up. Honestly, he really didn't want to analyse it. After all, whatever it was, it was a good thing. Definitely a good thing.

Callen tucked the shell carefully in his jacket pocket and walked back up the beach to his car.

Instinct and heart Alex had said.

Instinct told him to go to Kensi.

He'd let the heart take over when he got there.

* * *

><p><em>Kensi and James<em>

"You know if you slam the fridge any harder you'll have to get a new one. And you hate shopping for things like that."

Kensi spun around, a six pack of beer in her hands that she'd pulled out of said fridge before she closed the door – or slammed it as James put it.

"I like shopping," she protested as she moved past him to the couch and sat down. James sat down next to her as she opened the first beer and took a deep gulp.

"Not for whitegoods. Clothes, shoes, especially shoes, movies and decorative stuff, yep. But not whitegoods."

"Shut up," she said good-naturedly. He was right. Of course he was right. She hadn't actually changed all that much in the basics of who she was since he'd died.

"So why are you taking it out on the fridge? It didn't do anything except keep your beer cold."

Kensi glanced sideways at James. "Taking what out?"

James lifted his eyebrows. "You know what I'm talking about Kensi Marie."

Kensi sat back against the couch. "He's an idiot. He walked in to that compound. No back up, no ear wig, no weapon. He could have been killed." The fury in her that she felt rose again. Okay, so maybe it wasn't completely fury. Her emotions probably included a bit of terror in there as well. Working with the man you loved in this line of work certainly had moments of difficulty.

"Kensi, he did his job. You know that."

"Did his job? To put himself out there to be killed? That's not his job!"

"Yes it is. It is his job to do whatever he needs to do to keep others safe. Just as it is yours."

"Just as it was yours," Kensi said softly and her anger dissipated with his sane words of wisdom.

James sat a little closer and his shoulder rubbed against hers. "Just as it was mine."

"I can't lose him James. Not again. Three strikes I can't do."

"Who said you are going to? Maybe you'll just hit a home run this time and come home a winner."

Kensi chuckled.

"Now that is what I like to hear," James added.

Kensi reach forward for a beer and held it out to him.

James looked at her curiously and shook his head. His lopsided grin forming as his spoke. "Kensi? Really? You think I can still drink?"

"Just hold it," Kensi said with a roll of her eyes. "Makes me feel less like I'm drinking alone."

"Maybe you shouldn't be drinking at all right now."

"James Kevin Brentwood! Are you suggesting I'm emotional and the alcohol is going to go straight to my head?"

The cocky smile on his face was more than she could fight and she collapsed back against the couch and started to laugh, one she didn't want to stop. It was a nice feeling after the last couple of days. Between the mission, Callen's injuries, their fight and not having seen him since he walked out the door late last night, she was a bit of an emotional wreck. She'd expected to see him at the office this morning when she went in to take care of the paperwork, but he'd already done his and gone for the day. He'd also told Hetty that he needed some alone time and only to call him if it was an emergency. Which was why Hetty had refused to get Eric to turn his phone on for her when she couldn't get hold of him. Hetty had assured her that when Callen had settled down, he'd contact her. Kensi just hoped that was sometime soon.

"Kensi Marie Blye," James said when her laughter had settled a little, "you know full well that when you are highly strung and emotional, alcohol goes to your head as quickly as –"

"As quickly as a shoe sale grabs my attention."

"Something like that," James agreed.

Kensi sighed and put the beer down. He was right. Normally she could drink anyone under the table, including Callen and Sam. But not when she was like this. She'd never worked out why but she knew it happened.

"What am I going to do, James?"

"Apologise."

"For what?" Kensi asked a tad heatedly.

James just looked at her.

She sighed again. "For telling him off for being an idiot when he was just doing his job. For telling him he wasn't behaving like an experienced agent but a silly little boy with a hero complex. For –"

"Those would be it. You don't have to go on okay. I know what happened."

"I wasn't the only one who went nuts."

"I know. But both of you had a reason for it and both of you need to figure it out – together."

Kensi smiled. "Just like we used to."

"Nope, I was always right," James replied cheekily. Kensi through the pillow at him.

"As if," she added.

"Kensi, just talk to him. Be honest with him. It'll work out. Just cut him a little extra slack. He's still got a long way to come to catch up with how far you've moved on from losing me. Alex's loss is still raw in some ways. It's healing but it still hurts and it's going to affect how he reacts to things for a bit longer."

"When did you get to be so wise?"

James smiled sadly. "After."

"I miss our talks."

"What are you talking about? I'm here whenever you need to talk."

"Yeah but it's not the same."

"Cause I can't drink the beer?"

"Something like that." Kensi lent closer and put her head on his shoulder. "Thanks for coming."

James dropped a kiss on her head. "Anytime. Good luck with Callen."

Kensi lifted her head to smile at him but James was already gone.

* * *

><p><em>Kensi and Callen <em>

Kensi didn't know when Callen would be home so she ordered pizza for dinner. It could be reheated easily enough. Assuming he came home that is. After everything they had said to one another, maybe he'd just prefer to stay at the office, or wherever he'd spent the day. She hoped not.

The pizza had arrived and she was in the kitchen starring at it, trying to figure out whether to keep it warm or not when the door opened and Callen stepped through.

Callen smiled tentatively at her as he put his keys down on the small table near the door.

Emotions flared in Kensi and she almost cried there and then that he had come back to her. She hadn't wanted to admit it but she'd had this horrible feeling deep down that she'd pushed him away and he wouldn't come back. Leaving the pizza on the bench, she flew to him and wrapped her arms around him almost knocking him to the ground.

"I'm sorry," Kensi whispered, her voice thick with emotion and the tears that were threatening to flow. She really was a mess right now.

"Hey," Callen said softly, his arms wrapping around her tight. The ferocity of her reaction to him walking through the door stunned him.

"I'm sorry for everything I said." Kensi lifted her head and looked at him. "You're not a silly little boy or an idiot or-"

Callen caught her lips in a kiss to stop the rambling. Kensi almost melted against him and returned the kiss with an intensity that took them both by surprise. When oxygen deprivation became a serious consideration Callen pulled back and sucked in a deep breath.

"Apology accepted," he said with a smile. "Though I'm pretty sure I've got just as much to apologise for.

There was cheekiness to his words and Kensi smiled. "Pizza just arrived, if you're hungry."

Callen shook his head. "We can reheat it." He slipped his hands lower to her hips and lifted her up. Her legs wrapped around him automatically. "There's something more important right now."

Kensi raised her eyebrows before moving her head to his neck just below his ear. "What might that be?" she asked before she caught the bottom of his ear between her teeth and tugged gently.

Callen moved them into the bedroom and followed her down onto the bed, holding his weight off her. "I need to show you how much I love you. How much I trust you. How sorry I am as well."

Callen didn't feel that he could find the right words, but somehow he knew he could show her.

Kensi stroked his face. "I know all of that. Things were tough yesterday," she said. "I understand. We were both doing our jobs. It was just a bit more scary than normal." She grinned. "However, I'm more than happy for you to continue with the first one and not worry about the rest."

"How much I love you?" he asked, checking they were on the same wavelength.

Kensi's hand travelled down his chest to his pants and started working on his belt. "Yep, that one. Don't mind if I do the same thing do you?"

"Not at all," Callen replied as he dropped his head down to kiss her deeply.

It wasn't that they were avoiding talking to each other about the day, but that they needed this. Callen was following his heart. Making sure that Kensi knew, without any shadow of a doubt that he loved her. Because right now, that was the most important thing to take care of after a day like they'd had with the mission and the fight. Everything else would wait.

Just like the pizza.


	10. Chapter 10 Random on Purpose

_A/N – This was a hard one – not much Callen/Kensi in the episode but thanks again to ESalvatore and TwilightPony for the sparks that set this one off. Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes. Mind isn't quite working properly today.  
><em>

_Hopefully I've got Abby right._

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 10 – Random On Purpose**

Callen used his key to enter Kensi's apartment, Chinese takeaway in hand. They'd had a rough day with Abby's kidnapping and were looking forward to a quiet evening. Abby had decided she really didn't want to go out for dinner so was heading back to Eric's for the night before leaving for Washington the next morning. She said it was just a little too close to the last time she'd gone out and her subsequent kidnapping and near death experience.

Kensi smiled at him and brought the plates to the table. They both sat and ate in companionable silence for a while. Kensi was the first to say something.

"Do you think Hetty is pushing this a little – putting our desks together like she has?"

Callen grinned mischievously around his mouthful of food. He swallowed then asked, "What? Are you worried you can't concentrate when you are that close to me?"

Kensi rolled her eyes. "No. It's you that I'm worried about," she retorted. "You have trouble keeping your hands to yourself. I'm fine with it."

Callen opened his mouth but was stopped by a knock on the door. Kensi got up to answer it.

"This conversation isn't over Special Agent Blye," Callen said, just before she opened the door.

"Abby," Kensi said in surprise.

Abby walked through the door. There was absolutely no surprise on her face when she saw Callen sitting at the table.

She moved over to him; a serious expression on her face.

"Please tell me Gibbs knows about the two of you," she said.

"What?" Kensi asked.

"Look, I like it. You two seem perfect for each other but I get the feeling that not everyone knows, which is why I came here rather than ask you in the office."

"Is it that obvious?" Callen asked. They thought they had been doing quite well keeping it out of the office. Dom still didn't seem to be suspicious of them at all.

"To me, yes. To others," Abby shrugged. "You don't really want me going in on the ins and outs of pheromones and pupil dilation and tiny body language things do you?"

"No," Callen agreed. He'd heard about Abby through Gibbs and knew she saw things many others didn't. Including trained agents. Her insights, talent and bubbliness were a few of the things that Gibbs said made up for her 'slight' craziness and disregard for some authority (perhaps most) figures.

"So," Abby begged, "does he?"

"No," Callen replied.

Abby sat down abruptly. "You have to tell him."

"The Director doesn't even know Abby," Kensi added. "We couldn't put Gibbs in the position to lie to him."

"Of course you could." Abby turned to Callen. "You know he wouldn't say anything. If anyone can keep secrets it's Gibbs."

"True," Callen agreed. Barely anyone knew about Shannon and Kelly. Gibbs definitely knew how to keep personal secrets.

"So, will you tell him? Preferably before I get back to Washington tomorrow. I can't keep things from him okay. The Director, McGee, Tony, even Ziva – as long as she doesn't get me alone, but not Gibbs."

Callen smiled. "All right."

"Callen." Kensi's tone was one of warning and he knew about what. Hetty wouldn't like this.

"Kenz, even Hetty wouldn't want to put Abby in that situation. Abby's not an agent like us. Gibbs would eat her for breakfast if he got wind she was keeping something from him. Especially about me."

Kensi sighed. "You tell Hetty then."

"I'll take full responsibility."

Abby smiled and jumped up. She kissed and hugged them both before heading to the door. "Thanks guys. Oh, when did you two get together?" she asked before she left.

"A bit after the shooting," Callen answered.

"Oh. I remember that. Gibbs was worried about you. Nice to know something good came out of it."

With that she left.

Kensi raised her eyebrows at Callen.

"It'll be fine, Kenz. Hetty will understand."

"Yeah? How are you going to convince her?"

"Simple," Callen replied. "Hetty likes Abby's talents – If she wants to make use of them again, not a good idea to get on Gibbs' bad side."

"What about Hetty's bad side?"

"What about it?"

"I don't want to be on it."

"You won't."

* * *

><p>Later, after they'd finished dinner and some passionfruit cheesecake, Callen stood up to leave.<p>

Kensi joined him by the door. "I really wish you didn't have to keep up these aliases. I miss you when you aren't here."

"Is that because I can't keep my hands to myself?" he asked teasingly.

Kensi rolled her eyes and shook her head. Callen pulled her into his arms and kissed her gently.

"I miss you too," he said. "But at least you should get a good night sleep without me wandering around for most of it."

Kensi shrugged. "I've gotten used to your nocturnal wanderings."

Callen grinned. "Nice to know. See you tomorrow."

Kensi locked the door behind him and did a quick tidy-up before heading to the bedroom. She sat down on her bed and started brushing her hair. She stopped when she caught sight of the shell Callen had given her a few days ago. She picked it up and smiled. Apparently Lily had given the shell to Callen when he'd been at the beach after the incident with the terrorist group. She hadn't asked how it had happened. She had simply believed him. After all, on occasion she'd had some strange things happen when James visited her too.

"Hi," came this quiet little voice.

Kensi looked up. "Lily?" She had only seen the little girl once but it wasn't hard to see the similarities between father, mother and daughter. She was the perfect combination of Callen and Alex.

"Hi," Lily repeated. "Do you like it?" she asked tentatively, glancing at the shell in Kensi's hand.

Kensi looked down, smiled and looked back at Lily who had just wiggled onto the edge of the bed next to her. Not close enough to touch but close enough that Lily obviously felt comfortable with Kensi. Mentally Kensi shook her head. It wasn't like she could do anything to harm Lily.

"Yes, I do. It's beautiful. Thank you."

Lily smiled and Kensi felt such a sharp pain in her chest that it almost took her breath away. That smile was so Callen and she felt such pain and loss that he'd never gotten to know his little girl.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," replied Lily.

"Why did you give this to your dad for me, rather than him?"

Lily looked at her for a moment before replying, like she was trying to figure out how to word her answer. It seemed a strange thing to do for a little girl of five. She had relatives around the same age and their words just tumbled out.

"I wanted you to have it to remind you of my daddy." Lily looked back down at the shell. "It's a little like him. Not much to go on from the outside, hard to read and rough, but if you can get underneath," she looked back up and smiled, "He's pretty cool and amazing."

Kensi smiled back. "Yes he is."

Lily's looked went from cute to serious. "I don't want you to give up on my daddy. You make him happy. He needs you."

The tears started to make their way into Kensi's eyes but she blinked them back. "I won't give up on him. I promise Lily."

"Good."

Lily slid down off the bed and started to the door. She turned back and smiled. "Bye Kensi."

"Bye … Uh, Lily," Kensi said, stopping the little girl from leaving.

"Yes?"

"Where's your mum?" she asked. There was something strange about a little girl being in an almost stranger's house, even if said little girl was an angel or something similar. The protective side of Kensi made her check on that.

Lily grinned. "She's near. She felt this was more time for just the two of us. Bye." She left then, skipping out the door and down the hall.

"She liked it, Mummy." '

"Of course she did, Sweetheart," came the reply to the little girl's words. Alex.

Kensi jumped up and ran out to the hall but they were already gone. She went back to her room and sat down, looking at the shell once more. Hard to read but worth getting underneath. That was definitely Callen. She hoped one day that the getting underneath factor would get a bit easier. In the meantime, as she had promised Lily, there was no way she was going to give up on Callen. She'd loved him and needed him as well.


	11. Chapter 11 Brimstone

_A/N – Sorry for the delay. This one was stubborn but yesterday, ideas and inspiration finally got together and formed a chapter. Then the mind mulled it over through the night and I had to come back and change it. Moral to this story for me is don't post as soon as I've finished otherwise I'll just be kicking myself for what I didn't include tomorrow. Mind you, I usually do that anyway sometime down the track when I think "Oops. That needed to be mentioned way back…."_

_Just a note, I'm not really sure about what family Kensi has, I just remember that it has been referenced once that she goes to Pendleton often, so I'm guessing there is family of some kind there, though don't think it is her mother. Can't quite remember what the deal was with the mum so I'm going with Aunts/Uncles/Cousins kind of relatives._

_Thanks to all those who have favourited and alerted this story. I've thanked most of you personally but some don't have pm's enabled so here are yours._

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 11 – Brimstone**

Callen pulled Kensi to a stop in the hallway just after the entrance to the office.

"What?" she asked.

"You're a romantic," Callen stated confidently.

"Am not," Kensi denied.

"Yep. You went all gooey when she told you about their relationship story today."

"So? It's a beautiful story. Doesn't mean I'm a romantic."

Callen shrugged. "Then I guess I shouldn't kiss you here."

Kensi's eyes went wide; full of two emotions. One of wanting and one of wariness. "Of course you shouldn't. Why would you even think of doing something like that? You know what Hetty would say."

Callen glanced up. "Hetty's been decorating. I don't think she'd mind this time."

Kensi followed his gaze and saw the mistletoe hanging from the roof. How Hetty got it up there, Kensi wasn't going to ask. Unfortunately the picture of Hetty with white fluffy wings had already made it into her mind.

Callen started to move away. Kensi stopped him and he grinned at her.

"This does not mean I'm a romantic," Kensi warned him, "but since Hetty obviously has no objection, I don't see why we shouldn't follow tradition."

"Romantic," Callen repeated before he kissed her. Not a passionate kiss; as much as he wanted to but a soft, slightly-lingering-but-not-long-enough-that-anyone-who-didn't-know-they-were-together-would-suspect-anything, gentle one.

Sam cleared his throat. "You two done?"

Callen pulled back and looked at Sam. "You want a turn under the mistletoe do you, Sam?"

"Not unless it's with Kensi," Sam joked.

"She's taken Sam, so I believe are you. So it's me or no mistletoe kiss for you," Callen bantered back.

"None then." Sam turned and walked away. Kensi and Callen followed, Kensi quietly chuckling.

"Did you really want to kiss Sam?" Callen asked.

Kensi shook her head. "Nope. Wanted to see you kiss him though."

Callen frowned, "I'm not sure if I should be worried about that fantasy of yours or not."

"Not," Kensi said. "Definitely not a fantasy. Mine only contain you and me."

"Good to know," Callen said as they joined Sam and walked into the main area of the office and learnt just how far Hetty's decorating spree had gone.

* * *

><p>Callen sat back on the couch, glass of Hetty's special 'tea' in his hand. He watched Kensi and Sam talking to a highly animated (thanks to the tea) Hetty and smiled.<p>

"Kensi's not the only one who went gooey," Alex's voice came from beside him.

"Excuse me. I did not." Callen turned to look at her. She had that smug, sweet smile of hers on her face. The one when she knew exactly what was going on inside him even if he didn't.

"Yes. The whole Elly/Tariq story. How he accepted her and took care of her as if he was her own. Made you go all gooey and don't even try and deny it G. I know you too well."

Callen shrugged. "Not gooey, but it was a beautiful story. It's what every kid deserves. Parents to love them and protect them."

"And that is exactly why you make an amazing dad."

"In my head maybe," Callen said, turning his head away from her. He'd never had the chance to be a dad to Lily. It was all just his imagination.

Alex put her hand on his cheek and turned him back. "Your heart, G. You love Lily with everything that you have to give, and she didn't even make it into your arms. You fought for her, even after she was gone, to get those who hurt her. And one day, when a child finally makes it into your arms, for real, however that comes about, you will love him or her with everything that you have as well."

"How-"

Alex's finger rested on his lips to stop the question she knew was coming. _How do you know that?_

"Because G, I know you. I know your heart. And I know how much love you are capable of giving."

"Let me guess, way more than I think is possible."

"G," Alex shook her head gently at him, "how am I going to prove to you that love is limitless? You love me. You love Lily. You love Kensi. And you love each of us with everything you have to give. Even when you appear to hold back or seem distant, you're there – completely. You would do anything you could for any of us. Can this be my Christmas present to you? Can you believe me? Believe that you are capable of this?"

Callen looked into her eyes and he had a very hard time not believing her. She had so much faith in him and what he could do. But he didn't. "You really think…" He didn't need to finish. She was already nodding.

"I think and I know."

It took a few moments before he decided that some things were worth a leap of faith. She had so much in him and he hadn't known her to be wrong when it came to things like this – trusting her instincts and who she put that faith of hers in. So he agreed and hoped that he could find a way to have as much faith in himself as she did. "Okay. Christmas present it is. Thank you."

Alex smiled. "So, are you nervous?"

"I am. How did- " This time he stopped himself. Of course she knew. "Just a little," he admitted. Kensi had family at Pendleton and this was the first time he was going to meet them, even though they'd been together for months now. She'd insisted that she wasn't spending her Christmas celebrations without him and he could suck it up and come. He'd raised his eyebrows at the determination behind her phrasing and Kensi had changed tactics, promising him it wouldn't be that bad and she'd make it worth his while. It hadn't really taken much convincing though he'd certainly milked the situation – which they had both enjoyed very much.

"G, she's been without someone for so long. They are just going to be happy that she's happy, finally trusting and loving someone again. No need to be nervous."

"I know."

"Plus, it's about time you enjoyed Christmas."

Callen glanced over at her. "I guess it has been a while."

Alex smiled. "Just a bit."

"Mr Callen," Hetty interrupted. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine Hetty," Callen said. "Just enjoying the entertainment."

Hetty looked doubtful. "Really? Were you even listening to the stories that have just been told?"

Uh oh. Now he was definitely caught out. "Sorry Hetty. I was just … thinking about Christmas and stuff." Close enough.

"Good," Hetty agreed. "Do you happen to have a favourite Christmas memory to share as the others just have?"

Most of his favourite memories had to do with Alex, but weren't entirely appropriate conversation. He smiled when one story came to mind. Those in the room all knew about Alex. "Not exactly," he said as Kensi came to sit next to him and Hetty and Sam took a seat across from them. "But I do remember a story Alex told me about her favourite Christmas. Will that do?"

Callen glanced at Kensi to take in her response. She seemed interested. He turned back to Hetty.

"Absolutely Mr Callen. We would be delighted to hear it."

"Alex was sixteen and she'd broken her arm a week before Christmas. Her and her parents were supposed to be going skiing over Christmas but her parents postponed it until she could actually ski. She was really disappointed because she'd been looking forward to a white Christmas." Callen smiled at the memory of the happiness that Alex had shown with this memory. "Somehow her parents found a supplier of fake snow and managed to cover the floors of her bedroom, the hall and stairs as well as the lounge and dining room. I don't think they got any sleep that night. She woke up to her very own white Christmas miracle."

"Wow!" Kensi said. "That's pretty amazing that they managed to do that."

"Yeah," Callen agreed. "She meant the world to them and they always pulled out something crazy at Christmas. I think that was when she started having a little more faith that miracles could happen."

* * *

><p>"Did that really happen Mummy?" Lily asked. Alex and Lily were up on the balcony watching the celebrations below.<p>

Alex looked at her daughter and smiled. "Yes, it did. I thought I was dreaming when I woke up that morning."

"So, can we give Daddy a special Christmas miracle?"

"What should we do?"

Lily grinned. "Snow."

"You want me to make it snow?"

"You can do anything - right."

Alex chuckled softly at the trust and faith Lily had in her. "Let's see shall we?"

Lily turned and watched expectantly.

Callen felt something tickle his nose and swiped at it. Then it happened again and something made him look up toward the balcony. He saw Alex and Lily. Alex smiled and looked up. He followed her gaze and his eyes widened and he saw it was snowing. He blinked to clear his vision, just in case. But when he looked again, it was still snowing – inside. He looked back to Alex and hers and Lily's voices made it to him.

"Merry Christmas G."

"Merry Christmas Daddy."

He mouthed his reply and then turned his attention back to the snow. It was fluttering gently through the air but wasn't actually staying once it touched something. He smiled. They must have been listening to that story.

"Hetty." Sam's tone was curious. "How did you make it snow?"

Kensi lifted her head from Callen's shoulder to look up as well.

"Hetty?" Sam repeated.

Hetty shook her head. "I may have pulled off some miracles in decorating this abomination," she said as she indicated the Christmas tree, "but this is not my doing."

"Then who?" Sam and Kensi asked together.

Callen subtly nudged Kensi and steered her gaze in the right direction. She saw Alex and Lily looking down at them with a smile. She remembered the story Callen had just told and knew then who had made the snow.

Callen tilted her head up to his. "Merry Christmas Kenz."

Kensi smiled. "Merry Christmas Callen."

"A Toast," Hetty said, interrupting them before they could kiss.

Hetty topped up their glasses.

"To Christmas Miracles." Hetty looked at Callen and Kensi. She smiled knowingly. "To miracles of all kinds."

They all took a sip and Callen did have to wonder just how much Hetty knew. He didn't really have time to wonder for long before Hetty made one final toast. A strangely worded one, but it certainly brought about happy thoughts for the future.

_"Go home, find a wench, raise fat babies and live a good long life."_


	12. Chapter 12 Breach

_A/N – Fingers crossed this one works. Just a little bit of what happened on their second date._

_Thanks again to all those who have favourited and alerted this story. _

_The first little bit in italics and bold, is directly from the show – I've altered the lines a little after the italics to make it work for this. Not like the story isn't AU anyway right?_

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 12 – Breach**

**"_On the street it's called blackmail. In government, it's leverage," Callen said._**

**"_Speaking of leverage," Kensi replied, "Hetty told me that I needed to give in all my case reports every Friday by five…."_**

"And yours aren't ready?"

Kensi smiled seductively. "I actually have plans for tonight. Was hoping you could convince her to give me until Monday."

"I'll see what I can do. Kenz," Callen stepped slightly closer and lowered his voice. "About tonight…"

"You're not backing out are you?" Kensi asked. "I was looking forward to that swim."

Callen smiled. "So am I. It's just … With everything with Moe and Sam, I'm a little worried about the big guy. Thought I'd make sure he is okay first. I promise, I'll be there. Just don't know when."

Kensi glanced over at Sam. She turned back to Callen and smiled. "You take care of him. I'll be waiting."

"Thanks Kenz. If you get hungry eat, don't wait for me. We've got the whole weekend. The room's booked til Monday."

Kensi grinned. "Quite a long second date you have planned."

"Got to make sure you enjoyed it. Angling for an easier time to get you to agree to the next one."

Kensi smiled. "I don't think you'll have a problem. I'll see you later."

Callen watched her walked away before heading over to Sam.

* * *

><p>(<em>Later - at the hotel)<em>

Callen stepped into the room at the hotel. Kensi was on the couch wrapped in a white fluffy bathrobe flicking channels on the T.V. She turned it off when she saw him and smiled.

"Just in time for our pool booking. We've still got an hour left."

"I just need to grab a shower first," Callen told her. Sam had just wanted to keep running.

Kensi shook her head. "Nope. You can cool off in the water. Go get changed. Trust me Callen," she smiled mischievously at him. "You don't want to keep me waiting any longer."

Callen slipped away and followed her orders. He'd already kept her waiting for four hours.

The pool was all theirs. No one to bother them, or witness what they got up to. Considering how much pounding of the pavement he'd just done, he was surprised to find the thought of being with Kensi was enough to rejuvenate him.

Callen dropped his towel onto a chair near the pool and turned to Kensi. She smiled and he went to pull her into his arms for a kiss but found himself in the water instead when she pushed hard against his chest. He came up from under the water to hear her laughing.

"What was that for?"

"Sorry Callen, but you did need to freshen up a little before I get that close to you."

"Really?" he asked. "Am I fresh enough yet?" he asked, moving closer to the edge. If he was lucky, he'd be able to tug her in too.

Kensi grinned and stepped back just out of his reach. She crouched down and looked at him. "Yep, but you are wearing entirely too many clothes. I do believe you promised me no swimmers."

Callen held her gaze, the heat in it helping him find some other source of energy that he didn't know existed in him. "I did, but I do believe Kenz, you are wearing more than me."

Kensi stood up. "I don't think so." She undid the robe and, in one smooth motion let it fall and dove into the pool over Callen's head, leaving him with stunned with the brief glimpse of smooth skin that he'd seen – with nothing blocking his view.

By the time he turned around, intent on catching her she came up right in front of him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He lowered his head to kiss her and she parted her lips and kissed him back, not relinquishing her control of the situation one bit. He had no objections.

"So, tell me," Kensi said when she broke off the kiss, "is this more sexy than a lap dance?"

While Callen knew she was just teasing, something in him turned serious. He pulled back slightly and looked at her intently.

"Kenz, sexy isn't about what you are or aren't wearing." He cupped her face. "A long time ago I learnt that it wasn't just about looks. I haven't been able to go back to that time that was. Sure, I can admire an attractive body, but if I'm not interested in what's underneath … " Kensi raised her eyebrows at this part of his statement and he shook his head before continued, "under the skin, Kenz, not under the clothes, then it doesn't matter at all what's on the outside."

He slipped his hand behind her head and tilted her head back just a little. The light lit up her face. "Kenz, it's you I want, because of who you are, not what you look like or what you are wearing or even what you do to me."

Kensi felt something in her shift. Sure she loved this man with her whole heart, but somehow, it just got deeper. Maybe it was the final walls falling around her previously battered heart, maybe it was something else. She wasn't sure. All she knew was that the emotion was overwhelming and if she didn't do something to distract them soon, she'd probably end up in tears. Good ones, but tears nonetheless and she didn't really want to do that right now.

Instead, she kissed him quickly and said, "Race you to the other end. Ditch the swimmers first though Callen – otherwise you'll be cheating." She moved away and dove under swimming hard.

Callen wasn't quite sure what was going on with her but he followed and left the ball in her court.

By the time Kensi got to the other end of the pool, her lungs were burning from her breath being held for that long and the few tears that had managed to escape were diluted and disguised by the dripping water from her face and hair. She let out a shaky breath and hoped Callen wouldn't notice.

Callen came up right in front of her and trapped her against the wall. "I love you Kensi Marie Blye. Crazy and mixed up as this whole life of ours is, I know this. I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered and kissed him, somehow attempting to show him with her actions just what it was in her that had changed with his words.

She succeeded.

* * *

><p><em>(Saturday - at the museum with Hetty)<em>

"You know Mr Callen, as much as it has been delightful being your companion and enjoying Rembrandt, I think perhaps it is about time I left you alone to attempt to pick up that gorgeous brunette that we have been idly following for the last hour." Hetty smiled at him. "Time for you to stop and smell the roses some more."

Callen smiled at Hetty. "I've enjoyed this Hetty. You are very knowledgeable."

"You doubted that?"

Callen shook his head. "No. Just didn't know you were about Rembrandt. Kensi could probably have done better with having you talking to her rather than the guide."

They were at the art gallery for Kensi to learn a bit more about art for one of her aliases. Hopefully she hadn't been too distracted having him around.

"Enjoy the rest of your staycation Mr Callen," Hetty told him as she turned away. "I do hope you get to check out the pool this time," she added before leaving him standing there.

Callen jaw dropped. How on earth had Hetty known they had been there before?

"And I was hoping to lose that bet. So what do I get?" Kensi asked from behind him.

Callen turned. "Um, Me?"

"Let's go then."


	13. Chapter 13 Past Lives

_A/N – Okay. Sorry for the delay but I'm back now. FF writer hat back on head after being displaced by party planner hat for the last week. Party successful – let's get back to the story._

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 13 – Past Lives**

"_You need to tell Kensi, G."_

"_She doesn't need to know."_

"_I'm not saying she needs to know but you need to tell her."_

"_No one knows. Why should that change –"_

"_Because you need to clear out this guilt you feel G. Telling Kensi will help. She loves you, she's not going to judge you, just be there for you."_

"_Why can't I just talk to you about it? You already know."_

"_I know I do, but it's not the same. You need to trust her enough to tell her this."_

"_I do trust her."_

"_Then tell her. You need this G.__ It's part of the healing process."_

"_But I've moved on."_

"_Not entirely. Grieving takes time, so does moving on with a new relationship. You're still building that with Kensi . Yes you love her - completely but the relationship side is still in progress. You need to talk to her more."_

"_Does that mean I need to talk to you less?" _

"_Nope. I'll always be here G. You know that. But you need to get to the same point with Kensi as you did with me. Where you can talk to her about anything and everything without worrying that she's going to flee. For now, trust me. She's not going to but you need to learn that for yourself."_

"Callen?" Kensi's words pulled him away from the mental debate he was having with Alex.

"Alex?" she queried.

"Yeah."

"Do you want to talk?" Kensi asked tentatively. She knew that this latest mission had been hard for Callen. Had brought back memories, though about what she wasn't entirely sure. Sam had mentioned to her about the little boy that may or may not have been Callen's. She hoped he would tell her more but she wouldn't push.

"She says I should talk to you."

Kensi tried not to smile. It was kind of nice, in a completely weird and crazy way, to have Callen's ex on her side.

"What do you think?"

Callen shrugged and then moved to sit next to Kensi. "I don't think. I know her well enough that she's right."

Kensi turned her body to face him, blocking out the rest of the office as best she could. "So?"

Callen took a deep breath but wasn't sure he could to it.

"_Tell her G."_

He shook his head to shake off Alex's voice and started. "I liked being Jason Tedrow. Hetty was right. I liked being him best. But not for the reason she thinks."

"Kristen?" Kensi prodded gently.

"Yeah. Pretty sure Hetty thinks that she's the reason."

"What is it then?" Kensi asked when the silence stretched between them.

"Alex," Callen admitted. "As Jason Tedrow, I could pretend to be me. I could pretend Kristen was Alex and that we were just undercover. If I closed my eyes, she was there in my arms, beside me, whatever."

Callen turned and looked at Kensi. "I used Kristen. I got to forget that Alex had died. That I'd also lost my child. I got to pretend the previous year or so hadn't happened. That's why I liked being Jason. Not so much to be someone else, but to be me when I was happiest."

"Callen –"

"I shouldn't have been on that mission," Callen continued, cutting Kensi off. Now he'd started, he wasn't sure he could stop until he got it all out. "But by the time I realised where it was going it was too late to pull out. The relationship with Kristen seemed the only way to really get into the group and I'd already made contact and let them know what kind of guy I was. Pulling out wasn't an option. We were running out of time and someone else new coming into the scene so soon after me would have seemed too suspicious."

He dropped his head back against the couch, looked to the ceiling and continued.

"So I told Hetty I was fine. That I could handle the job. I know she was a little worried when it went down that road. It was barely twelve months after Alex died but I put on the best Agent face I could and told her that I was more than capable of separating personal from the job. Must have been the biggest lie I've ever told her. That job was more personal than anything else."

Callen turned back to face Kensi, tried to read her expression but she was keeping it neutral – like she was waiting for more. She was right. There was still more he needed to tell her. Just like Alex had been right. This wasn't about Kensi needing to know, but him needing to share.

"I used her. I wish I hadn't. I regret it and when I found out about her son, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Had I really managed to lose two children in the space of a year? That's why I went back today. If he was mine, there was no way I was going to miss out. I almost told her who I really was. I felt like she deserved that, but she stopped me. Told me Michael wasn't mine."

He took another deep breath. "Kenz, I'm not entirely sure whether I felt relief or disappointment finding that out. Mostly relief I think. He deserves a father that really cares about his mother."

Callen finally stopped and waited for Kensi to say something.

"Callen, we all make mistakes. We all deal with this job differently. We deal with life differently because of what we do. You made a mistake but … Yes you used her, but in some ways don't we use everyone to get to the truth and to fight the bad guys? We lie, we break rules but at least we are the good guys."

"I don't know if I feel like a good guy Kenz, when I think about her."

"She's happy now right?"

"The end justifies the means?" he asked.

Kensi shrugged. "Sometimes that's the only think I can use to get past some of the things I've had to do in this job."

Kensi noticed Nate walking towards them. She reached out her hand and squeezed his. "Thanks for telling me. Now, hadn't you better change? Team night out tonight."

Callen appreciated the save and the change in topic. Alex had been right – again. Kensi wasn't fleeing. She was there.

So was he.


	14. Chapter 14 Missing

_A/N – Okay. Well, this is where the bunnies took this episode. I've been mulling it over for a few days and figured it's not going to get tweaked anymore so here goes. _

_Sorry to Twilight Pony – I just couldn't figure out a way to bring in the Karaoke to this chapter._

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 14 – Missing**

"Dammit," Callen banged his hand on the steering wheel.

He'd tried to find Kensi. He'd checked her place, his places, the beach where they would go to sit and talk or just find some peace. She wasn't at any of them. She wasn't at the office or even her favourite bar, which was where he was sitting, completely lost as to what to do now, in his car.

He'd tried Eric. Asked him to track her phone or her car, but her car was still at the office and her phone was off – battery out or something because Eric hadn't been able to turn it on. Callen was starting to panic. Given Dom was pretty much gone without a trace he felt he had every reason to be.

"Where are you Kenz?" he begged her quietly.

"She's at Dom's," Alex said from the seat next to him.

Callen turned his head abruptly. "Dom's?" Why the hell didn't he think of that? "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Callen floored it out of the car park heading.

"G, slow down. You want to get there in one piece."

She was right. Callen eased back, now just pushing over the speed limit rather than obliterating it.

"I just want to know she is all right. I've been looking for her for ages."

"I know," Alex said gently. "I'm sorry about Dom."

"I don't know what else we can do. We were so close and now we've got nothing-." Callen slammed on the brakes and brought the car to a sudden stop, just managing to avoid parking on the sidewalk and up close and personal to a power pole.

"You." Callen turned to face Alex. "Why didn't I think of you before?"

Alex frowned. "Not following G."

"You could find him. Where is he Alex?" he asked, desperation filling his voice. "He's hurt, at the very least. You can find him and tell me then we can go get him."

Alex looked sad. "G, I can't. I don't know where he is."

"But … Can't you find him? Just pop into wherever he is. Get us a lead." He really was desperate – asking, in essence, a figment of his imagination for a lead.

"G it doesn't work that way. I wish it did. I really do."

"Why can't you? Hell, you managed to make it snow in front of everyone, why's this any different?"

"G," Alex's voice was gentle but firm and Callen felt the disappointment surge through him.

"I'm sorry," he said. He dropped his head back against the seat. "Why can't you?" This time his question was simply that – a question he hoped she'd answer rather than a frustrated angry demand.

"Because I don't have an emotional connection with Dom. I don't just flitter around everybody G. It's just those I care about, those I'm attached to personally."

Callen turned his head and looked at her. "What about Kensi? You didn't know her before. She can see you."

Alex nodded. "Yes she can. But I do have an attachment to her G." She smiled gently at him. "She's holds the heart of the man I love in her hands. Of course I'm attached. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure she keeps that heart safe and unbroken." Alex reached out and stroked his cheek. "I love you G. I wish I could make this better but I can't. All I can tell you is that Kensi needs you now and she's at Dom's."

That pulled Callen back to his objective. He lifted his head, checked the mirrors and started to drive again.

"Is he still alive?" he asked her.

"I don't know G. Kensi will though."

"How?"

"She has a connection to Dom. It's still new but it's there. If she can focus and find it, she'll know. It's not as strong as the one you have with Sam or the one I had with Nathan. You remember how he knew something was wrong and called you the day I died?"

Callen nodded. He remembered. It was barely half an hour after the shooting when his phone had rung. He'd been about to slam it into the ground until he had noticed who it was. Reluctantly he'd answered it to hear a panicked Nathan on the other end asking if he was with Alex. He'd had to tell him. It was one of the hardest conversations he'd had to have, being topped only by talking to Alex's parents later that morning.

"She'll know G. She'll know if he's alive or dead."

"How can you be sure she'll know that?"

"Something Hetty said when you were missing. She told me that you were alive – because if you weren't I would have already known that in my heart. She was right. Kensi's not in love with Dom, but when you work with someone, put your life in their hands on a daily, that connection happens."

Callen pulled up then outside Dom's apartment building. He turned to her. "Thanks Alex."

Alex smiled. "Go find her. You'll get through this. Together."

Callen leant over and kissed her on the cheek. "Together huh?"

"Yep. Best way to deal with something like this."

Callen smiled, for the first time in hours. "I believe you."

He stepped out of the car and headed for Dom's apartment.

* * *

><p>Kensi threw a plastic container hard against the wall. It bounced off and landed on the floor – unbroken.<p>

Unlike her.

Her partner was missing, possibly dead and she was here in his apartment washing up and feeling guilty. Why didn't she know Dom better? Why didn't she call him last night? Why didn't she check up on him more? Why didn't….

"Stop it Kensi," James' voice ordered her.

Kensi spun around but couldn't see him. "Where are you?"

"I'm here with you Kensi," James replied.

"No," Kensi shook her head. "I can't see you. You're just a voice in my head. You're not here!" she almost screamed. "Dom's gone. You're not here. Where's Callen?" she demanded while tears were streaming down her face. "You've all gone."

"No Kensi, we haven't. I'm here, but I'm not who you need right now."

"Yeah? Well where is he? Seems like all my partners have left me."

The door opened as she spoke and she spun around to see Callen walk through the door. A heart-wrenching sob was pulled out of her chest.

He's here. He came.

"No Kensi," James' voice whispered in her ear. "Never leaving you. I just can't help with this like he can."

Callen watched Kensi watch him. He saw the tears that were falling, he saw the marks on her cheeks from the ones that had already fallen. He wished he'd thought of here earlier but he was very grateful that Alex had filled him in when he'd been at a loss as to where she was. He saw the pain in her eyes – and the anger. He thought perhaps he should wait until she came to him.

"_No G. She needs you now. Don't let her push you away."_

Callen moved forward. "Kenz." He didn't know what else to say.

"Where have you been?" Kensi screamed at him. "I needed you."

"I've been looking for you. Why did you turn your phone off?" Callen asked moving slowly closer.

"I didn't. Anyway if I did, Eric could have turned it back on. I'm not that hard to find," Kensi snarled.

She didn't know why she was behaving like this. She needed him, wanted him to just take her in his arms and let her collapse. She wasn't as strong as she thought. She needed his strength even though she didn't want it because then it would show how weak she was and she'd fought so hard against that. The only girl in the team in a tough work environment – she'd felt she needed to be as tough as the guys.

"He tried. He couldn't."

Kensi frowned. Eric couldn't turn on her phone. Part of her wanted to believe him but the angry part thought he was lying, after all, that is what he does best. She stomped past him and reached into her jacket pocket. Her phone was off. She tried turning it on but it didn't work. Battery must have been dead.

Kensi's shoulders slumped, the phone slipped from her fingers and then she felt his hands on her shoulders, turning her around and pulling her into his arms.

But even though she wanted this, desperately needed this, she fought it. She lashed out at him with her fists, trying to pummel his chest. Trying to make the ever cool and calm G Callen lose it like she was. She didn't want to be the only weak one.

"Everyone leaves. When are you going to as well?"

"I'm not going anywhere Kensi."

"Yeah right. My father, Jack, James and the rest. You're next. Why should you be any different? Why couldn't we find him?"

Jack? That was a new name he'd file away for later.

The fists slowed down as she spoke. Callen pulled her tighter and she leant against him, suddenly all fight seemed to leave her.

"Why Callen? Why him? He's just a kid."

Then the sobs started fresh and Callen picked her up and took her to the couch. She curled up against him as the sobs took over.

"I don't know, Kenz," Callen whispered to her, "But we'll find him. I promise we won't stop until we do."

"How?"

"We'll follow every lead, no matter how small, do whatever it takes."

"How do we even know if he's alive?"

Callen gently placed his hand under her chin and lifted her head. "You. You'll know. He was - is your partner Kenz. Deep down, listen for it and you'll know."

Kensi shook her head. "I barely knew anything about him. I should have taken more time –"

Callen stopped her. "Deep down Kenz, do you _feel_ that he's still alive?"

Kensi thought for a moment. She thought back to those she'd lost before and whether she'd known before she'd been told – compared it to what she was feeling know. Slowly she looked at him and nodded. "I think he is."

Callen smiled reassuringly. "Then he is. We'll hold onto that until we have proof one way or another."

"Callen I don't think I can do this, I can't lose someone else. It hurts too much." The tears started to flow again.

"You'll not alone Kensi, not anymore. We're all here for you. I'm here," Callen promised, holding her tight.

A sob shook her whole body and she couldn't stop the ones that followed. It was like everyone she'd lost, every tear that she hadn't shed was coming now and she couldn't do a thing about it.

Callen held her tight and waited. He didn't say anything, just let his touch tell her what she needed to know – that he was here and wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't sure how long it was before the crying and shaking stopped. All he knew was that when he laid the sleeping Kensi down on the couch and got up, one of his legs and one of his arms had fallen asleep. It took a few minutes to get the feeling back in them. He watched her, wondering what to do. Should he let her sleep here, or take her home?

"Take her home Callen," came a voice behind him. He turned quickly, automatically reaching for his gun because the voice wasn't the usual one that suddenly popped up behind him. This time it was male.

"Hey, take it easy," the man said, hands up in surrender. "That's really not going to do anything except put a hole in the wall. I'm James. Kensi's angel."

Callen let out a relieved sigh. "You think I should take her home?"

"Yeah, just try not to wake her. I've seen her cry bad before and it usually wipes her out, but that was nothing compared to what you just went through with her," James told him.

Callen was about to ask for some more details about Kensi, things he really wanted to know – such as who was Jack - but didn't want to ask her because he knew they were still sensitive subjects but James frowned, looked over Callen's shoulder and then disappeared, just before the front door opened. Callen, still overly alert, spun around and brought the gun up pointing it directly at Nate.

The time the sigh wasn't exactly relief, more exasperation. Nate should know better.

"Nate," Callen said warningly, "I could have shot you. Knock next time." Callen holstered his gun and moved closer to Kensi. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Got a little worried about her. Thought I'd try here. Is she okay?" Nate asked. The concern more friend than physchologist.

"She'll be fine. Just needs to sleep. We'll get her through this," Callen replied.

"What about you?" Nate asked turning his attention to him.

"I'll be fine Nate. Don't worry about me."

"Not likely Callen. I've been worried about you for a long time, though I must admit since you two got together that has diminished a little. At least I know you are talking to someone, even if it's not me."

Callen put on a grin and thought _more than just one someone_.

"Kensi been telling stories?" he said instead.

Nate smiled back a little. "Just one or two, nothing big and nothing to worry about." Nate looked down at Kensi. "Shouldn't we get her a blanket or something?"

Callen moved and picked Kensi up. "No," he said softly. "I'm taking her home. Think her own place is where she needs to be right now." No way was he mentioning James to Nate.

"Need a hand?" Nate asked, holding the door open for him.

Callen paused and nodded. "Actually a hand would be good. I don't want to wake her. Can you follow us home?"

Nate nodded. "I'll follow."

Callen put Kensi in the car and drove home carefully, making sure not to wake her or lose Nate. Nate opened the door for them and Callen took Kensi straight to the bedroom. As he laid her on the bed, she tightened her arms around him and a shudder went through her.

"Dom," she whispered in her sleep. The name so sad and filled with pain. Callen settled on the bed, not letting her go. He looked at Nate who gave them a small smile and nodded his goodbye before leaving. Callen heard the lock on the door click and Nate close it behind him. He gathered Kensi closer.

"I promise Kenz, we'll find him. You have my word," he told her softly as he stroked her hair gently.


	15. Chapter 15 LD50

_A/N – Thanks so much for the great response to the last chapter for Missing. This one is pretty short. Had a hard time finding much to go on, but here are some little snippets. Funny thing was I thought Chinatown was next on the list and spent the week mulling that over, went to write it after having some successful bunny hops and found out I was wrong. Oops. Oh well, we're here now._

_I've added a little bit of a description in brackets and italics at the beginning of each snippet just to make it a little easier and clearer on where this part fits with the episode)  
><em>

_On a completely different note, does anyone else think that the picture of the guy Callen knows but can't place at the beginning which Eric shows them, looks just a touch like Eric?_

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 15 – LD50**

_(During episode - At the fountain in the mall)_**  
><strong>

Callen looked down at the sharp pain in his finger. Horror settled in his stomach – Kensi. He couldn't leave her, especially now and definitely not like this. He looked up at her on the level above and saw the fear on her face. He couldn't -

"Not your time G. Not yet," came Alex's voice in his ear interrupting his thoughts just before something slammed into him and sent him crashing into the fountain.

* * *

><p><em>(During episode - After Hetty and Nate leave them at Callen's desk in the office - a continuation of the conversation before Callen goes to chat with Hetty)<em>

Kensi turned to him, eyebrows raised in curiosity. "So what do you think I would buy with that kind of money?"

"Shoes," Callen replied.

"That's a lot of shoes. Anything else?"

"Maybe a fast car, some clothes, but mostly shoes."

Kensi punched him gently in the arm. "I may like shoes but even I couldn't spend that much on shoes – at least not in one go. You ready to head off?" she asked him.

"Need to talk to Hetty first. Won't be long."

* * *

><p><em>(Tag to episode - Back at Kensi's apartment)<em>

Callen turned to Kensi once they were in the apartment. "Hetty wants me to kill her."

Kensi's eyes went wide. "What?"

"Before she gets too old and starts telling her secrets to the unsuspecting folk at the nursing home."

"She wants you to... how?" Kensi asked in disbelief.

"Smother her with a pillow – and, here's the real kicker. It must be synthetic. She's allergic to feathers. Like it's going to make a difference to the outcome."

"You wouldn't really …" Kensi frowned. "Would you?"

"Kenz!" Callen shook his head. "No. Of course I wouldn't. We'll just have to make sure she doesn't end up in a nursing home. If anyone is going to hear her secrets, I think we deserve to be top of that list."

Kensi chuckled and moved toward him. "You think we'll outlive Hetty?"

Callen slipped his arms around her. "I think I have a pretty good reason right here to try."

Kensi smiled at him. "That's nice to hear." She kissed him lightly and stepped away. "So, what should I do with you when you get too old to know when to hold your tongue? It's not that far off," she teased as she reached for the temperature control on the heating. She was still cold and figured Callen was too.

Callen stopped her hand before she could do anything and turned her back into him.

"Not far off huh? I'll have you know I'm a long way from needing your assistance with that."

"You are older than me."

"Older maybe, but I can still take you."

Kensi grinned. "Maybe you should prove it."

Callen tilted his head. "You are trouble, but I'm up for it. I think I can find a much better way to warm you up."

"Do tell," Kensi replied.

"Show."

Callen picked her up and carried her to the couch. "Have always preferred the show part to the tell." His mouth descended on hers and made sure there was no telling involved in the heating up process that successfully followed.


	16. Chapter 16 The Bank Job

_A/N – I've been waiting for ages to write this one! Had the idea so long ago. Hope you enjoy these snippets. _

_Also, at the end of the episode when Kensi is looking at her father's medal – there's a note that says look after it, he'll be back someday to get it. Anyone else start to wonder if her dad might just still be alive? After all, he was at home when he died, not on a mission or anything. Just curious_

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 16 – The Bank Job**

"No," Callen said firmly after Sam had explained the finer points of the plan. "Figure out another way," he demanded

"Excuse me Mr Callen," Hetty said.

"C'mon G. It's a good plan," Sam added in disbelief at the firmness he could hear and see in his partner.

"I said no," Callen replied even more strongly. "We figure out another way. We are not sending Kensi in like that without more time to prepare."

Kensi stepped closer to Callen. "But that's the point Callen, we don't have a lot of time. This is the best plan. I can do this," she assured him. She wasn't sure why he was acting like this but hoped the confidence in her voice would reassure him.

Callen turned and faced her. The look on his face sent Kensi back a step. There was anger or something in his eyes. She couldn't quite figure it out. "I said no. I meant no. We figure out another way."

"Mr Callen," Hetty said firmly.

"No Hetty, not happening," Callen snapped.

Anger settled heavily on Kensi. He'd never pulled the protective boyfriend card before and she certainly wasn't about to let him do it now. "Dammit Callen, if this is because of our-"

Callen spun around and she stopped. "Enough Kensi. I'm the team leader and I said no."

With that Callen left the room and walked away.

"Miss Blye," Hetty started.

"I know Hetty." Kensi didn't need Hetty to voice what was on her mind or what she wanted her to do. It was already there. "I'll talk to him. Go ahead with figuring out this plan. I'll see what I can do to bring him around."

"Kenz," Sam said as she approached the door. Kensi turned back. "We don't have time to figure out another plan and without G, we don't have the numbers."

"I know Sam," She nodded. "I'll sort this out."

Kensi walked out the room and tried to figure out where Callen would be. Eventually she found him in the gym, staring out the window.

"Callen, what the hell was that about? You know it's a good plan. It'll work."

"Kenz, please don't argue with me on this. I can't let you do this," Callen said, less harshly than Kensi was expecting. Unfortunately it didn't take the wind out of her own angry sails.

"Come on Callen. I'm sure if it was anyone but me, you'd be fine with this," she said angrily. "You've never had a problem –"

Callen spun around, grabbed her shoulders and pushed her against the wall that wasn't far behind, abruptly stopping her words with his actions. There was that something in his eyes again and it definitely wasn't anger. Kensi wasn't entirely sure but she thought it might be fear. Since she'd never really seen it in his eyes before she wasn't 100% on that.

"Kenz, I can't watch you die," Callen told her. There was desperation filling his voice and she could see his breathing was rough.

She frowned in confusion. "Callen, it's fake. It's just pretend, not real."

Callen shook his head, one of his hands gripped more firmly on her shoulder as the other slammed into the wall. Kensi managed to avoid grimacing at the pain his grip caused but not the little jump from hit against the wall.

"I can't watch you die like she did. Pretend or not."

Suddenly everything made sense. Callen's reaction, the fear (she was sure it was fear now) and the stubbornness and Kensi almost kicked herself for not realising what it was about the plan that he didn't like.

"Callen," she softly. "I'm sorry." She moved to put her arms around him which, thankfully, caused him to move his hand off her shoulder.

"Kenz, I'm sorry too, but I can't. It's too close to real. It's not you who can't do this. I'd mess up. Just the thought of it is hard enough."

Kensi pulled back and looked at him. "Callen, this is it. This is the plan we need to do."

"Kenz-"

Kensi put a finger on his lips. "Give me a minute. Let me see if I can come up with something."

Callen pulled her closer, breathed in the scent of the fruity shampoo she'd used that morning. He closed his eyes and tried hard to relax but that didn't last long. A picture of Alex in his arms from that morning long ago came quickly, closely followed by Kensi taking her place. He couldn't do this. What if something went wrong and she really did get shot.

"Callen," Kensi said, pulling him back out of his thoughts. "What if you andI go to the armoury? We get all the weapons we need. We both check them, make sure they are empty. Then you load them with the blanks. Just you. Then you give out the weapons to everyone. You'll know there are no real ones in there, you'll know exactly what everyone has. Would that help?"

Callen shrugged. "I don't know." He was still having trouble getting that last picture out of his head.

"I don't know what else we can do to make you feel better about this plan. But this is the only plan Callen. You know that don't you?" she asked gently.

"I know," Callen replied reluctantly. He knew. He knew it in the room as Sam had been explaining it. He knew it when he'd told them no. He knew it now. "We'll give it a try," he agreed.

"Why don't you also tell the others? They know about Alex."

"But they don't all know how she died."

"Maybe it's time to tell them."

Callen let out a slow breath. Not telling them could put the whole mission in jeopardy – making it even more risky for Kensi. At least if they knew they might be able to do something to keep it going if he did lose it. "Maybe. At least Sam and Hetty should know what's going on."

Kensi stepped back out of his arms and held out her hand. "Let's go get the ball rolling."

Callen took hers and followed her back to Ops.

Hetty looked at him when he walked through the door but he didn't get the dressing down he was expecting – at least not yet. Kensi kept hold of his hand, which got a curious look from both Nate and Sam.

"It's okay," Kensi said - not just to him.

Callen nodded and then looked at the rest of his team. "Sorry. I over-reacted but …" He took another breathe and gathered up the courage. Surely telling them this would take less than most of the things he does in this job. "Look, Alex died in my arms. She bled out after being shot. Just once. The thought of Kensi in that position, it's a little too close for comfort."

"G, you should have told us," Sam said. He didn't need to add the apology. Callen could see it in his eyes. Sam hadn't thought about that situation either.

Nate just watched and Callen wondered what the chances were of this coming back to haunt him at the next psych evaluation. Eric opened his mouth to ask something but a look from Hetty stopped him. Callen gave Eric a tight smile. He knew Eric was the only one in the room who didn't know about Alex. "Eric, Alex was my fiancé. She was killed six and a half years ago. She died in my arms within a couple of minutes of being shot. She didn't stand a chance."

"Oh," Eric said. "Sorry."

Callen nodded and turned back to his team. "Kensi came up with an idea we'll try. No guarantees but I'll do my best not to mess this up."

"I wouldn't expect anything less Mr Callen," Hetty told him. "Now get to work. Make this happen."

Hetty turned to leave.

"Hetty," Callen said.

"Yes Mr Callen." She turned back to face him.

"I'm sorry for the way I talked to you earlier. I was out of line."

Hetty stepped closer. "Mr Callen, I do not want an apology from you for speaking your mind. I expect that from you. I can understand the reason behind the reaction and the … forcefulness. That is not what I had a problem with. If you are going to apologise for anything, it is that you failed to tell me the reason behind your choice. That, I do have a problem with. I do not expect you to agree with any and every plan made in this room, however I do expect honesty from you when you have a problem. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal, Hetty. It won't happen again. Sorry," Callen said meekly.

"Good." Hetty looked at him for a moment. "Mr Callen," she said gently, "Alex would be very proud of how far you have come in the last six months. I hope you know that."

Callen smiled, just a little. "I know Hetty. I know." And you'll probably never know how I know that, he added to himself silently.

"Well then gentlemen, and lady, you have work to do."

* * *

><p><em>(In the bank<em>)

Callen felt frozen - seeing the "bullets" slam into Kensi, watching her fall, watching the blood leech out on her clothes. Even knowing she was faking it, he felt the fear overwhelm him. He couldn't do this. He needed to know she was okay, that nothing had gone wrong. He took two steps forward and stopped.

There was a little girl sitting next to Kensi. Blonde hair, blue eyes filled with green sparkles and his smile. Lily.

"She's fine Daddy. I'll watch over her. Go save the world."

Callen stayed still for just a moment. Lily nodded at him once more in reassurance and then Callen found himself back in the game. Just in time to pull off his next line before anyone could even realise he'd gone.

* * *

><p><em>(back at headquarters after mission)<em>

Callen walked up to Kensi. She was sitting at her desk looking through her box of precious things. He breathed a sigh of relief that she had changed her clothes.

Kensi looked up from her things at his approached. Perhaps she'd heard that small sigh. "Hi."

"Hi," he replied. He moved next to her and leant back against her desk.

"Thanks."

"For?" she queried.

"Getting changed. A bit hard looking at you with all that blood on your shirt."

Kensi smiled. Callen reached into her box and pulled out something.

"What –" Kensi stopped when he opened his hand.

"I don't think she'd want you to hide this away." Callen gave her the shell Lily had given him for her. "You know she was watching over you today."

"Really?" Kensi looked up at Callen in surprise. He smiled.

"Maybe not entirely just you. I almost lost it, Kenz. When you were on the floor. I was on my way to you and suddenly there was this little angel at your shoulder." He chuckled softly. "She told me you were fine, she'd watch over you and that I should go save the world."

Kensi laughed softly. "Well, it is what you do. One bad guy at a time."

"Yeah. Just didn't think she knew that." Okay, so he figured that if Alex was always with him, so was Lily but for some reason, it just didn't occur to him that Lily actually _knew_ what he did.

"I think most kids think their dads are heroes, but not too many of us actually get that like Lily and I," Kensi said.

"I'm not a hero, Kenz."

"You are in her eyes and that's all that counts for her."

Callen smiled. "I guess. I couldn't have done it today without you, or her. I guess today we are all heroes to someone."

Kensi smiled. She looked back down at the shell. "So, where should I keep this that is safe?"

Callen looked down. "You could always keep it on your desk, or we could turn it into necklace."

"I do spend a fair amount of time here – desk it is." Kensi placed it carefully on her desk, next to her pen holder. She looked up at Callen and smiled. "Perfect."


	17. Chapter 17 Chinatown

_A/N – Okay, here comes Chinatown. Wasn't much to go on, at least that I could see. Seemed more a Sam/Callen episode so hopefully you'll enjoy this little snippet._

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 17 – Chinatown**

Callen moved from his desk to stand next to Kensi, who was sitting at hers. He leant against the table, crossed his arms and waited for her to finish what she was typing.

Kensi flicked off her computer, looked up and smiled. "All done. You ready to go?" she asked.

Callen shook his head. "Nope. We need to talk."

"Uh oh." Kensi sat back in her chair. "That does not sound good."

Callen gave her a small smile. Today had been a little too scary for him to do much more. "From now on, you are with Sam or I when you go out on a job. You're not going on your own anymore."

Kensi stood up and looked him in the eye. "Callen, I'm fine. Nothing happened. You two were there, you had my back. So did Eric. This is what I'm trained for."

Callen moved slightly close. "And you are very good at it but Kenz, this isn't negotiable. Until Hetty finds a new team member …" He held up his hand as Kensi opened her mouth to protest. She stopped and he continued. "A _temporary _new team member or until Dom is back, you're with one of us. Nate isn't an option."

Callen still remembered the fear that had run through him when he'd first realised Kensi was in trouble, with a trained assassin plus the father after her. He'd been able to quiet it as the adrenaline kicked in. He and Sam had managed to take care of in, in time, but it was still too close for comfort. He also realised just how important it was to have another team member join them and he'd be having a chat to Hetty soon, when he'd processed the day in his head a little more thoroughly.

"Callen," Kensi said with a shake of her head, "I don't want a new partner. I just want Dom back."

Callen pulled her into his arms. To hell with whoever was watching. He could justify this action because his team member was hurting. Just like Sam had been earlier. It had been five weeks and as much as Kensi tried to hide it, he knew she missed Dom desperately and as each day went by with no news, it got harder for her. Right now, he could hear it clearly in her voice and see it in her eyes.

"We all do," he assured her quietly. "And we'll find him. I've promised you that. I'll keep that promise. We just need something to go on. In the meantime, it's my job as team leader to keep what's left of my team safe."

"And what about you and Sam?" Kensi lifted her head and looked at him. He was pleased that the tears had receded. "With one of you with me, the other is on their own. How does that work? If you or Sam had been on your own at that warehouse you might not have made it out."

Callen felt a small shudder go through her and realised he wasn't the only one who had been a touch afraid for the other today.

"If Sam or I had been alone, we probably wouldn't have shown ourselves. We're not entirely crazy," Callen reassured her.

"But you got hurt as it was," Kensi said, gently touching the bruise near his eye.

"It's just a black eye Kenz. No big deal."

Kensi lifted an eyebrow in disagreement. She moved her leg a little and Callen winced. "_Just_ your eye? I don't think so."

"Don't tell Hetty," Callen said.

"Oh I won't." Kensi grinned. "I get to play nurse for that hurt."

Callen groaned even as he smiled at the thought. As much as he was definitely interested in where her suggestion might lead, he wasn't entirely sure if he was up for it. "Kenz –"

"Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

Callen pulled his thoughts back to what they had been talking about before. "You're with Sam or me when you go out, from now on. That is an order Special Agent Blye."

"Callen, please," she begged, "please tell me this isn't because I'm your girlfriend."

Callen looked at her seriously. "No it's not." Then he shrugged. "Maybe just a little," he admitted. "But mostly, it is simply because I refuse to lose another team member. It's up to me to make sure you have back up. We'll figure out the details as we go on how it will work. It was too close today, Kensi. Way too close."

"But you were all there and I'm fine." Kensi grinned. "So I've finished my report. I'll print it tomorrow. Are you ready for me to play nurse?" she asked when she stepped back and grabbed her jacket.

"Gentle you say?" Callen queried, though he did head over to his desk to get his things.

"As gentle as you want me to be."

Callen grinned. "I think I might be able to handle that."

Kensi laughed softly. "Don't think you need to worry about handling anything. That would be my … job."


	18. Chapter 18 Full Throttle

_A/N – My apologises for the lateness of this chapter. Had a very busy week or two and away for the weekend. Thanks once again for the great support you've all been giving me on this long journey._

_Michele (anonymous reviewer) – Thanks for the review. You are right – gradually Callen won't need Alex as much. She'll be around for the tough times and when he needs someone who knows him way better than anyone else (as she's not just Alex anymore – she's also the voice of his subconscious) to give him a talking to. The same kind of progress happened in Letting Go. As the chapters went on, the focus moved onto Callen/Kensi, with Callen/Alex taking up a smaller role. The same will be here, but Callen is also still very new to the whole idea of someone other than Alex. He loves Kensi, no doubt about it, but he's only really been actually dealing with the grief and all that comes with getting over the death of someone, which he'd bottled up for six years, for about 12 months, so he's still a little fragile and needing some reassurance/advice from her occasionally. I know it's a little strange to think of Callen as fragile, but with everything he's been through, emotionally, I can really see him being fragile for a while. But with Kensi, Hetty and Alex on the same side to get him through it, I think it's pretty safe to say he'll definitely get there! Hope you continue to enjoy the story as it goes on. _

_Hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 18 – Full Throttle**

The moment Callen closed the door to Kensi's apartment he said, "Okay, spill. What's the deal with the purse?"

"What?" Kensi turned and looked at him, an attempt at an innocent expression on her face, though Callen could see through it. She knew exactly what he was referring to.

"Come on, Kenz." Callen walked over to the couch and sat down. He patted the couch beside him and continued. "You almost went ballistic on the insurance girl over a purse."

"Well she wasn't actually an insurance girl was she? And what about you and the girl at traffic school?"

"That's not the point. And don't change the subject – You know there was nothing in it except keeping up the alias appearance. I wouldn't go to the Bahamas with anyone but you."

Mr Wolinski had a reputation to uphold and, though he wouldn't follow through on the flirtation, he did tend to get into his roles and at least keep up appearances, just in case someone he might run into later happened to be around.

Kensi sighed and flopped on the couch beside him. "Fine. I don't like insurance people."

"Why?"

Kensi looked at him. "Don't trust them."

"More."

"You know sometimes you are a real pain."

Callen smiled. "Just because I know when to push and when to walk away."

"Well, maybe you are pushing that line a little too closely at the moment."

"Come on." Callen settled back close to her, his arm touching hers in a reassuring way. "It's not like you to go that crazy over something as simple as a possession – especially one that isn't yours. There's more to it than not liking insurance people. You know you can trust me."

"I know." Kensi turned her head and looked at him. She took a breath and started explaining – this time for real. "When James died he left his mum an insurance policy, outside the military ones. His mum was pretty distressed and she was also in financial trouble. She almost lost her house. James' dad had been really sick a couple of years before. He died but the medical bills were huge and she was still struggling with them. James wanted to help more but she wouldn't let him. It wasn't like he had a whole lot to spare as it was. On top of that she'd lost her job a few months before and hadn't been able to find another. The insurance company kept messing around claiming that there wasn't enough proof that James was dead."

Callen slipped his arm around Kensi's shoulder, having noticed the tension increase in her as she had told the story so far.

"I took over and dealt with it for her," Kensi continued. "The person I had to deal with had a new purse pretty much every time I saw her. It just really pissed me off that here was this woman who could spend so much on something like that when a mother, whose son had just wanted to make sure she was taken care of if something happened to him whilst he was defending the country and ensuring this woman's freedom to be able to buy stuff like that, struggled. And she was stuffing around, not being helpful at all."

"What did you end up doing?"

"The bank sent an eviction notice and I went back into the office to try and finally sort it out. She was dressed head-to-toe in Versace. I lost it, completely. I ended up dealing with the head of the office who processed it in a matter of two days. Made sure the bank knew the money was coming and actually did what should have been done in the first place."

"Sounds like at least he was decent. So insurance people aren't all bad."

Kensi smiled a little. "Maybe it helped that he was ex-military. Seeing her with that bag just brought back some bad memories."

Callen tugged her more comfortably into his arms. "Remind me in the morning to put in a formal request to Hetty to never dress me head-to-toe in Versace. I do not want to be on your bad side."

Kensi lifted her head to look at him and grinned. "Hey don't do that. I'm sure you'd look great. But just ask Hetty not to do it if you are playing an insurance guy to be on the safe side."

Callen dropped a soft kiss on her lips. "Deal."


	19. Chapter 19 Blood Brothers

_A/N – So there was a fair amount in this ep that I could have played with, but I really haven't been in the mood to do a d&m chapter this week about Callen retiring or his past or even delving too far into why Hetty was in Afghanistan in 1979, even though it's definitely tempting. _

_Let's see how this one comes across. Hope you enjoy even though it's short._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 19 – Blood Brothers**

"You're a mess," Callen said to Kensi when they'd finished reassembling the Humvee.

Kensi turned and looked him over. She smiled slyly. "You're looking pretty good yourself," she replied. She moved closer to him. Callen glanced down and saw the numerous smudges of grease on his hands and shirt. He looked back to her and grinned.

"That's right, the smell of grease turns you on. It is time to go home." Callen tugged her closer. "You can drive."

Kensi put her arms around his neck. "Sorry, but there is no way you are getting in my car looking like that. Shower and clean clothes first."

"But then I lose that fragrance you love so much."

Kensi stepped away from him and raised her eyebrows. "Never said you had to take one alone."

She left him with those words playing over in his head along with the seductive expression that had been on her face. It didn't take Callen long to follow, though he was careful to check and see if Hetty had left yet. There was no sign of her in the office. He double-checked the hook that she always hung her purse on – it too was gone. There were barely any sounds coming from around the office so he continued on with his journey to the bathroom.

There was steam already coming out of one of the shower cubicles. He could see Kensi's clothes on the floor just under the curtain and made sure there was no one else in the bathroom before he slipped in to join her.

"Took your time," Kensi said, turning only her head to smile at him.

Callen pulled his shirt over his head and returned the smile. "Had to make sure Hetty wasn't around."

His pants hit the floor and he moved to join her under the water.

"I wouldn't have suggested it if she was still here," Kensi replied, slipping her arms around his neck. "Plus, I'm pretty sure we have an ace up our sleeve now she's slipped up with that Afghanistan comment."

Callen nodded and pushed back her wet hair from her face. "True, that was very un-Hetty, but I still wanted to make sure. Don't want any interruptions," he said as he lowered his head to claim her lips.

"Then perhaps you should take this home," came a voice from beyond the shower curtain. They both froze, eyes wide.

"Or at least ensure the door is locked," Hetty added before they heard the door close.

"I swear she was gone," Callen replied. "Her bag and everything."

Kensi dropped her head on his shoulder. "I even checked the parking lot. The Jag was gone."

Callen lifted her head. "Maybe she's right, let's take this home. I promise if I get grease on your seat, I'll pay to have it cleaned."

Kensi smiled. "Yeah, she kind of killed the mood a little."

Callen nodded. "But I'm sure the mood will lift once we get to your place."

Kensi stepped back slightly and ran her fingers down his wet chest to his stomach. "Oh, I think I can definitely guarantee a lift then."

Callen caught her hand with one of his and used the other to flick off the water. "Then let's move it. Interested to see how you intend on making that happen."

Kensi grabbed a towel. "First one to the car gets to drive."


	20. Chapter 20 Hand to Hand

_A/N – What can I say, life happens and these last few weeks it has been more difficult to find the time to write. Can't guarantee that it's going to get easier, but I can guarantee that I will continue writing and post as soon as I am happy with each chapter. Additional good news is that, for those of you who were following Dear Diary, which I haven't updated for ages, it should happen around the same times as I do the appropriate chapters for this story as I will need to re-watch the episodes because it's been so long. _

_Thanks so much for sticking with me, having patience and encouraging me._

_This chapter was difficult. With the whole Kensi/Deeks thing, it's taken the bunnies a little while to figure out something they were happy with that put the possible Kensi/Deeks relationship in it's appropriate place – for this story at least – which is non-existent except for possible friends and partners._

_I do hope it works and you enjoy this little snippet._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 20 – Hand-to-Hand**

Callen kept silent for most of the drive home. Kensi glanced across at him three or four times before she'd had enough and broke the silence. It was one thing for Callen to be quiet but another when she knew he was brooding or worrying over something.

"Callen. You okay?" she asked

Callen automatically started to nod but stopped himself. "Still a bit … concerned about Sam. It took him a while to pull himself up and do what he had to in that fight with Deeks."

Callen had been second guessing himself most of the mission about letting Sam go into that situation. Hetty had felt that Sam would do the right thing and, in that respect Callen trusted Sam. It was more of when the right thing would happen and Sam had taken a while to take Deeks down. It could have gone so much worse if Deeks had managed to get a few more good hits in. Whether Sam wanted to admit it or not, Deeks had scored quite a few good hits on him.

"But that's Sam," Kensi told him. "Unless he has no other choice, he'll take the less damaging road." She grinned. "Maybe Sam has a thing for fluffy hair instead of me."

Callen chuckled. He really appreciated Kensi trying to lighten the mood – and he knew that because it was happening so quickly from the start of the conversation that their relationship was moving to the next level. A level where he didn't have to hide his worries; at least not all of them. One where it was natural to talk rather than hide. "At least Deeks did come through in the end," he said. "Timed that pretty well at the gym."

"Timed it well?" Kensi repeated in disbelief. "I'd say he was almost too late to the party."

"So what was it?" Callen asked, glancing across at her. "The eyes or the hair?"

Kensi frowned. "Excuse me?"

"Come on, Kenz. Something about Deeks set off a spark. He's interested in you." Callen kept an eye on her reaction to that last little bit but she didn't give off much.

Kensi raised an eyebrow and looked at him questioningly. "You think I'm interested in Deeks?"

"Aren't you?" Callen countered

"Not in the way you are implying. Callen, are you jealous?"

"No," Callen denied. He wasn't overly happy that Deeks seemed to be showing such an interest in his girl but it wasn't like he could warn him off. "But you are interested – in some way at least."

They pulled up at her apartment at that point and the conversation paused until the moment Kensi closed the apartment door behind them.

"I am not," she denied strongly. "At least not anymore. There was something off about him, that wasn't right. And, to state the obvious, I was right. He wasn't who he said he was."

Kensi stepped closer. "You know there's nothing for you to be jealous of," she said. "He's really not my type."

"What? Blonde, blue eyes, can fight and pretend to be someone else?" Callen teased. "_That's _not your type?"

Kensi smiled. "Callen, I only have room for one blue eyed, blonde, pretender in my life." She ran her fingers up his chest to the top button and fiddled with it as she continued. "And, just in case you're a little slow on the pick-up, that would be you."

Callen slid his arms loosely around her waist. "I get the feeling you might need to make room for one more. Got a feeling something's going on in Hetty's mind and we might actually see more of Deeks."

"You've got to be kidding?" The look on Kensi's face was full of disbelief. Callen couldn't help but chuckle at it.

Kensi continued forcefully. "He'll drive us insane with his macho, 'I've been so deep on my own, you're all wimpy because you have so many to back you up' mode."

Callen raised an eyebrow this time. "Got some strong feelings going there, Kensi. You sure you're –" He stopped at the look on her face.

"Don't go there Callen," Kensi replied, shaking her head. "Unless you want me to prove you wrong."

Callen smirked and back her up against the wall. "You prove me wrong? Well, since that would involve proving that you have absolutely no interest in Deeks in a personal capacity, I'm all for it."

Callen kissed her before she could reply and she took over from there.

He loved it when they were on the same wavelength.


	21. Chapter 21 Fame

_A/N – Finally managed this one. Hectic, busy and fun times happening and it's only going to get crazier, but here is Deeks episode 2. I do hope it works and you enjoy this little snippet._

_Thanks again for the amazing support on this story. _

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 21 – Fame**

"You know you were a bit rough on Deeks at the club," Kensi commented.

"Why?" Callen glanced up from his dinner to look at her. "Because he was stupid enough to put himself on the line with Hetty so easily?"

"Come on." Kensi looked at him with the look that told him she knew he knew exactly what she was meaning. "He got you the card – which, by the way, you threw him in the lion's den to get on his first day. Then you scare the crap out of him making him think you're going to spend his entire year's wages in one hit."

Callen smirked. "Some people need to learn the hard way. Plus, it wasn't throwing him in the lion's den as much as the lioness and since he's her cub of the day, he was safe."

Kensi raised an eyebrow. "Cub of the day? How do you figure that?"

"Hetty wants Deeks to fit in with the team. She wants to keep him and _not_ as a liaison."

Kensi made a funny sound in the back of her throat that Callen couldn't quite decipher. "Well he'd have to be better in any role other than liaison which, if you remember correctly, he completely failed at," she said.

"True, " Callen agreed, "but aside from that he didn't do that bad."

"He didn't trust you to take that shot in the club."

"He may not have trusted me but he did at least follow orders that time." Callen grinned. "Unlike naming you Fern."

Kensi glared at him. "Don't' you even think about calling me that. He'll pay for that."

"If he comes back," Callen added.

Concern washed over Kensi's face though she tried to hide it quickly. Not quick enough though against Callen's ever watchfulness. "He's growing on you isn't he?" Callen asked.

Kensi shook her head. "No. Maybe…. I appreciate that fact that he save your hide today at the house."

"Yours too. He was part of the rescue team."

Kensi nodded. "Yeah. Look, he was there for all of us. He might not be a fully-fledged member of the team yet, but he at least showed he had some decent potential today."

Callen agreed. "Yep. Very glad he was there to take the shot." He studied Kensi intently. "Though I wish you hadn't been in there alone."

Kensi tilted her head and smiled. "Worried about me were you?"

"Cause I was. Kensi. You could have died." He didn't even want to rehash in his mind the thoughts that went through his head when they realised who she was in that house with. It had taken quite a while for his heart to stop pounding, his mind to stop thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong and the mental struggle he'd had keeping the picture of a dead Kensi out of his head.

Kensi reached across the table and took his hand. "But you were there. So was Sam. So was Deeks. You guys came through for me. I knew you would."

Callen looked at her disbelievingly. "You knew we would get there in time?"

Kensi smiled. "Okay, so you were cutting it fine, but," she looked at him seriously, "I _know_ that you will always do everything you can to come for me. Nothing will stop you and until my heart stops beating in my chest I will _always _believe that."

"Don't talk like that Kenz, please" Callen begged.

"Why?" she asked. "It's the truth. A very important truth, especially considering how much of our lives revolve around lies. Just the truth, just like I will always come for you."

"It's not that part. It's the you dying part."

"I know it's hard to hear, but given what we've been through, it's not like the thoughts aren't far from our minds is it?"

"I know." Callen managed to stop the sigh from leaving his lips. "I just prefer the idea of us old, grey and sitting on a porch somewhere talking about our great, great grandkids."

Kensi lifted her eyebrows just fractionally. It wasn't like Callen to talk well into the future, but she decided to leave the potential deep and meaningful conversation that could come from a comment like that and go down the teasing route. After all, it had been a rough day.

"Just how old are we talking?" she asked. "And how many great, great grandkids are you thinking about? Plus the deals off if I have to go grey. It's just not my colour."

Callen chuckled. "Okay. Grey is not compulsory."

"Will Hetty be around too?"

"I dare say so. She'll probably outlive us all. No matter how old we get."


	22. Chapter 22 Found

_A/N - So this has been a long time in the making. The first draft was done well before I even started posting this story. I'm very happy with how it has evolved and hope you are too._

_This time it's a long one!_

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 22 – Found**

Callen was leaning on the railing looking out over the city below him. This was a place he went to when he needed to get a grip with things that had happened.

Dom.

Dom was dead.

Kensi.

Kensi was seriously grieving and didn't want to be around anyone right now.

Sam.

He knew Sam was taking it badly but Sam didn't need him now either. When Sam needed peace, he found it with his wife. The way it should be.

Hetty, Nate and Eric.

Callen didn't even want to contemplate how those three were feeling. He knew the horrible emotions of not being able to do anything about a situation; the helplessness of just watching a scene unfold in front of you and being helpless.

Alex's death was perfect example of that completely helpless and loss of control feeling.

"Hi," came a soft voice beside him.

Callen turned his head.

Alex.

Just the girl he was waiting for. As much as he needed Kensi and to be there for her, he also needed Alex right now. He needed her calming influence. She'd always given him that in situations where she wasn't emotionally invested. He needed to be calm for when he went to Kensi later; because Kensi needed him even if she didn't want him around at the moment. And, if he was going to deal with a potentially emotionally out of control Kensi, (and she had every right to be that way. He certainly wasn't going to judge considering how he'd been in the past after losing someone close,) he needed to get a grip on the situation himself.

"Hi," he answered. "Thanks."

Alex smiled slightly. "I'm really sorry about Dom, G." She placed her hand comfortingly on his and he turned his hand over to hold it in his. His gaze dropped to them and he felt the calmness slowly working its way over him and was incredibly glad that whatever this was, that Alex was still there for him.

"I keep thinking that if only I'd been a little quicker, he'd still be with us."

Alex squeezed his hand. "Maybe, but then maybe not. It's not something you'll ever know for sure. All you can know is that you did everything you could."

"It wasn't enough," he added.

"G." Alex waited until he faced her. "Everything you could. There was nothing more you could have done. You _know _this. You followed every lead when you had it. There was nothing more."

Callen sighed. "We were there though. He was in LA all this time. How did we miss this?"

"Because those you were up against were really bad and really good at what they do."

"We should have been better."

"In an ideal world, yes. The good guys would always win. But this isn't an ideal world, which is exactly why what you do is so important. Because what you do helps improve the balance. Unfortunately it also means you take more risks and face more danger and lose more than everyone else to do it."

"Maybe I'm not cut out for this job."

Alex moved closer to him and slipped her arm through his. "You are G. The very fact that you feel, is why you are cut out for this. If you didn't feel, then you'd more than likely end up the bad guy, in it only for yourself and not for the greater good."

Callen looked at her. "I lost you. I don't want lose Kensi too. It could have happened today. It could have been any of us."

"Yes it could have. But it was Dom."

"Dom was so young." Callen wished he'd gotten the chance to know his youngest team member better.

Alex nodded her head against his shoulder. "I know," she agreed softly.

"He had potential." Callen knew Sam had been training and pushing Dom hard and even though Sam may not have let on too much, he knew that Dom was improving and had the potential to be very good.

"Yes," Alex said. "And he had a reason for being where he was today."

Callen looked down at Alex and waited for her to look at him. "What do you know that I don't?"

Normally a comment like that would have had Alex teasing him but she didn't this time. This was too serious.

Alex smiled gently. "I know that his team was important to him and he didn't even have to think about stepping in front of the bullets to protect Sam. He just did it because he was willing to protect Sam at all costs. Just as the rest of you would do if it came down a choice between your life and one of the team. It's what makes you the team that you are."

"You've…" Callen wasn't quite sure he could ask the question.

Alex smiled. "Let's just say Lily and I are keeping an eye on Dom for the moment. Lily especially."

"Why?"

"She's enjoying herself."

Callen thought to himself that enjoying sounded like a strange word. Alex must have picked up on this as she explained further.

"G, Lily just wants to make you and Kensi feel better. She knows you both cared about him and she knows you're both sad. She figures that she can help by looking after Dom for you."

"How does she … see him? I thought you could only see those you were attached to."

"I think it's a little different with Lily, maybe because she didn't actually live in the world. Don't really know."

Callen smiled a little. "Sounds like we made a pretty good kid."

Alex grinned. "Yeah we did. But remember, this is pure and innocent Lily untainted by life or things of the world. If we'd lived I'm sure we would have had the usual problems as she grew up."

"Terrible twos, Teenage rebellion?" Callen asked, not really able to picture his little girl as a normal girl. She was too sweet.

Alex's eyebrows raised a little. "Hard to imagine isn't it?"

They were silent for a moment before Callen asked, "How do I get Kensi through this?"

"You don't."

Callen was surprised by that answer.

"You don't get her through this G," Alex continued. "You go through it with each other. You grieve together, be there for each other. You're going through it too. And you'll go through it differently to each other and the time it will take will be different."

Alex turned to face Callen and he turned around to her. "G, Kensi works in a world where she tries to be one of the guys. She needs to be tough, confident, capable and lock away emotions to be able to focus on the mission. Right now," Alex shook her head, "is not the time for her to be one of the guys in that respect. She needs to let her emotions run their course. And she needs to know that's okay. She also needs to know that somehow life's gonna get better even if it hurts like hell now. Eventually."

"What do I do?" Callen asked.

"You grieve, you let her see you hurting. You let her know what you are feeling. Don't lock it away from her. Put on a brave face for others if you have to but not her. If she can see you grieving too, she'll feel free to do that herself."

"You sure?"

Alex nodded. "We all need to have someone we are free to lose it with. Someone who can see us at our worst and still love us, despite all of that."

"I guess I should go find her." Callen wasn't entirely confident that Kensi would be ready for him but he didn't want to stay away from her any longer.

"Yep. Be gentle though. This is a big step in your relationship with her. Trust your instincts and you'll be fine."

Callen leant over and kissed Alex on her cheek. She slipped her arms around him and gave him a reassuring hug. "Thanks," he added.

"That's what friends are for."

"Best friends."

"Always my love."

* * *

><p>Callen walked into Kensi's apartment quietly. He saw her sitting on the couch and carefully put his keys on the table beside the door and took a step closer to her.<p>

She turned to look at him and Callen could see the tear streaked face, the red puffy eyes and the messed up hair. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and promise her everything would be fine. But instead he waited. His instincts told him that she needed a little time.

"What are you doing here?" Kensi demanded. "I said I wanted to be alone."

"You've had some time alone and now I need to say something that you need to hear. If you want me to go after that I'll leave, but not until you've heard me out."

Kensi shrugged and turned away. She picked up a beer off the table and took a mouthful. "Say what you want, then go. I'm not in the mood for company."

"Kenz," Callen started gently. "Look at me please."

He saw her shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath and then she turned her head to him, though he did notice that she kept her eyes averted.

"I'm sorry we weren't able to save Dom. I'm sorry we didn't find him earlier, that we weren't quick enough," Callen said. "We did the best we could."

Kensi snorted. "Best? Yeah right. Dom's dead. We didn't save him. We didn't do our best."

"Yes we did," Callen said firmly. He was glad that Alex had reassured him earlier otherwise he'd have probably just agreed with her. "We did."

Kensi glared at him. Callen took a breath and continued before she could say anything more.

"I'm sorry that I'm relieved," he admitted. "I'm relieved that it wasn't Sam, that I'm not grieving losing a team member and a brother." Callen heard the hitch in his voice but he continued. She needed to know it all and hopefully it would help her.

"I'm relieved that it wasn't you." That got her attention and she finally looked at him. "I'm relieved that I'm not mourning losing the woman I love… again. Because I don't think I can go through it again, no matter how many times Hetty throws me in the shower to sober me up. Losing you would be too much."

Callen swallowed past the lump in his throat and held Kensi's gaze. "I'm relieved that it wasn't me. Because if it was, that would me you would be mourning losing another man you love and I never want to put you through that."

He heard Kensi choke back a sob and noticed that she no longer look angry. Incredibly sad and distressed, yes, but not angry. That boded well for her not to kick him out with this last admission. He felt a tear fall from his eye down his face and watched Kensi's gaze follow it before returning to his.

"And I hate the fact that I am relieved that it was Dom who died today. I'm relieved it was him because that means I'm only mourning the loss of a team member. I didn't know Dom well and I probably should've known gotten to know him better, but I didn't. He wasn't a brother, he wasn't my partner. He was just a team member, my youngest team member that I should have been able to protect better but I didn't get the chance. I didn't love Dom, not like Sam or you. I hate …."

Callen couldn't go on any more because suddenly Kensi threw herself off the couch and into his arms.

His went securely around her and held her tight. He felt the sobs wracking her body, felt the tears soak into his shoulder and felt his own fall from his eyes unhindered.

"I couldn't think it," Kensi whispered in his ear though her crying. "It felt so bad to think that. But I feel it too."

"We'll get through this Kenz," Callen whispered back. "I promise we will."

He lifted her up into his arms, secure in the knowledge she wouldn't be kicking him out any time soon and made his way to the bedroom. He settled them on the bed and held her while they both cried. Hers loud, distressed sobbing. His simply tears running down his face.

But she knew.

Kensi knew he was hurting, she knew he had opened a door to the inner emotions of G Callen and she knew that he would do everything he could to continue to let her see into him. And she knew that she was free to be emotional with him. So she let it all out and eventually fell asleep.

When she was asleep, Callen gently placed her on the pillow and covered her with a blanket. He had something he needed to do before he too went to sleep.

He made his way quietly to her living room, found a piece of paper and pen and sat down at the table. After a few moments of thought, he started writing.

_Dear Kensi._

_If you're reading this then I guess I wasn't successful in reaching old and grey. _

_Our lives are risky. What we do is risky. But we do it because we care and because we are good at it._

_Please know that somehow, some way, I'll be watching out for you even though I'm gone. Something tells me I'll be successful in that area at least._

_I love you. You helped me through an incredibly difficult time and I want you to know that what you did, your patience and encouragement, your acceptance of Alex and the relationship that I had with her, was why I was able to move on with you. Knowing that you knew there was no competition. _

_I know it's hard for you to even think this, but I do hope that you can find love again. It made the world of difference to me when I finally opened my eyes and you were there. I went from just existing and doing my job to having a life to look forward to – to having a life again._

_You are one of the most loving and accepting women I have ever met and I feel privileged that you were willing to fight for me and love me. I want you to remember how happy you made me and know that without your love, I would have just been existing, not living._

_I love you Kensi. Always will._

_G _


	23. Chapter 23 Hunted

_A/N - Hi. I'm back. Thanks for your patience with this story. Life has been very busy lately as some of you know. _

_This chapter has been a work in progress for a while as I've been tweaking in the few spare moments I've managed to find. _

_I hope you enjoy. It was a difficult one to figure out how to approach. I hope I've managed to keep Callen and Kensi in character. _

_Not sure when the next one will be up. Still in the process of finding the time to rewatch and take notes but it will come. I promise that._

_Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and New Year.  
><em>

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 23 – Hunted**

"How'd you stop?" Kensi asked when Callen sat down on the couch next to her.

He'd just finished updating Dom's file with the details of Keshwar and the mission they'd just finished. He wanted to make sure all the information about why Dom had died was recorded, including the army's failure to inform them they had Keshwar – even if they couldn't have traded Dom for him.

"Stop what?" he asked.

Kensi looked at him. "Stop hunting them down … Killing them all." She turned her head away quickly before continuing. "When I was pulling the trigger, when we took Medina down … it felt so good," she admitted, somewhat reluctantly Callen could tell. "And then Keshwar was just standing there and I wanted to," Kensi continued. "I really, really wanted to put a bullet in him – more to be honest. If it wasn't for him, Dom would still be here."

Callen could feel the tension and grief radiating from her. It was just as strong as it had been the night Dom had died.

"Kenz," he said softly and waited patiently for her to look at him. "I know. I felt it too. But you didn't."

"I wanted to," she replied.

"But you didn't," Callen added. "And that is a good thing – trust me."

Kensi sat up a little straighter and caught her bottom lip a touch nervously between her teeth. She took a breath and then asked, "Will you tell me more about it? About after Alex died?"

No almost slipped from his lips, but Callen stopped the automatic response and thought for a moment. If there was ever a time when Kensi would really understand, and possibly get some help from this story, it was now. But could he do it? Could he tell her about that deeply dark place he'd gone? A place that at the time felt darker than Hell would have – after all, Hell had fire at least to give it some light, assuming Hell actually existed that is.

Kensi must have sensed his indecision and quickly asked, "What about Nathan? He and Alex were partners. How did he deal with it? What did he do to get through it?" she asked instead, giving him an out if he wanted it.

Callen took it, at least temporarily, feeling that maybe telling her about Nathan might give her some hope for the future. It was a nice place to start at least.

Nathan.

Kensi would connect more with Nathan as he was Alex's partner. He nodded and smiled a little.

"After we got the man responsible Nathan finished up their assignments and got a transfer to a small town in Montana. It was a demotion, in a way. He took a local cop job rather than another detective position, but it was a change he needed. He needed something else, something happier than just finding and fighting the bad guys and the darker side of life. There he got a chance to help the people and get to know them in the town. To join in the good times not just the bad and to get to know faces as actual people not simply a name connected to investigations." He chuckled. "One of his first arrests ended up being one of the local school teachers. He caught her driving the principal's car one night, lights off, just after it had been reported stolen."

Callen had kept up with Nathan. The occasional email here and there. He'd yet to visit him but Nathan understood. Callen didn't want to risk his life and past taking anything more from Nathan than it already had. Nathan still continued to invite Callen to visit and remind him he was always welcome. Maybe one day he'd take him up on it.

"What was the real story?" Kensi asked, prompting Callen to continue.

"It was the principal's tenth anniversary at the school and as a bit of a reward, all the teachers had gotten together to organise a detail and new paint job for his car. This teacher – Marnie - was taking it to the mechanic's and, apparently, whoever had been responsible for keeping the principal busy that night got sick so she got caught taking the car."

Kensi smiled a little. "What did he do?"

"Short term – decided not to arrest her after all and helped out. Long term, married her." Callen smiled again. "They've got twins, 3 year old twin boys. Zander and Jordan. He's happy again now. Marnie really helped him get through losing Alex."

"Zander?" Kensi queried.

Callen nodded. "Yep, named after Alex."

So that covered Nathan's recovery and now it was time for the darker part of it. Callen took a breath and then started, weaving his together with a little more of Nathan's. It was time to share his part of it with someone. He hadn't done that yet – Not with Nate. Not with Hetty, though Hetty had probably figured out most of it anyway.

"It started out that all we could think of was getting whoever was responsible." Callen sensed Kensi's stillness as he started. She knew this wasn't about Nathan anymore. "It totally consumed me. Hetty let me go with it, for a while anyway. Nathan and I. We, ate, slept and breathed revenge. There's no other way to describe it."

Because it wasn't justice exactly. It was definitely revenge. A burning, all-consuming revenge. Even when he slept, he dreamt of ways to get them. Though whether dream was an appropriate description was debateable. Nightmare was probably better, especially on the nights where he saw Alex die all over again – more than once because those were the nights he got locked in his nightmare and couldn't get out. Those nights were partly responsible for his lack of sleeping. If he never went deeply to sleep, the nightmares couldn't grab hold too tight.

Callen took a breath and continued. "As time went on though, the body count got higher and it wasn't just about getting the guy who ordered it or did it. In my mind, anyone connected to them were just as guilty and deserved the same fate. Nathan pulled back much sooner than I did. Once we got the one responsible it was like his hunger and fire disappeared. I guess you could describe him like a gas fire. Burns nice and hot but when you flick the switch to off, it goes out. Me. I was the opposite. I was like a wildfire – the more it burned, the hotter it was and the more uncontrollable it got. It scared me, a lot."

Until now he hadn't admitted to anyone that it scared him. That out of control feeling, the lack of concern about the collateral damage of his rampage. It was something he never wanted to experience again.

"If it wasn't for the letter from Alex and Hetty's … " Callen paused to figure out what to call Hetty's help. "E_ncouragement_ I don't know if I could've come back from that. I was losing who I was, Kenz. There wasn't much of me left. Alex's letter gave me something to reach for, hold on to and try to get back to – a beacon of sorts. At least in terms of work. I couldn't be the man she loved all those years because without her, I couldn't be him. But I could at least get back on track for getting the bad guys – the real bad guys, not their pool cleaners. She didn't want me to change and she helped me see who I really was, through her eyes. And that helped me come back."

Callen paused to consider if there was anything else he wanted to say. He wasn't sure he could keep going. There was more he could tell her, more detail and emotion but he wasn't sure he was ready for that yet. If he was to admit the truth, he wasn't sure he ever wanted to go back there anymore. For so long he'd avoided it because it hurt too much. Now he was pretty sure he didn't want to revisit that time too closely because finally he was happy again and didn't want to risk being pulled back into that time. He was, to some degree, afraid of the person he'd been then. Afraid that the darkness might find a way to grab hold and pull him back in. He liked the light in his life now. He liked his life now.

Kensi nodded and let him know he didn't have to continue. "That's good to know Nathan got through it. I guess he doesn't have commitment issues."

"Meaning?" Callen asked, wondering about the rather different direction the conversation was now going in. Perhaps Kensi could sense how tense he was, having now told his story and was trying to lighten the mood. If that was her plan, it was working. He could feel the tension starting to leave his shoulders and felt his posture relax a little.

Kensi chuckled. "You and I. We have both have commitment issues. All the men I care about leave. You've locked yourself off for so long keeping your heart hidden."

"Maybe we were like that," Callen admitted, "but I think we're doing a pretty good job considering. I think it's not so much the commitment but finding the perfect person to take the risk with."

"I'm not perfect," Kensi denied.

Callen gave her a lopsided grin that sent Kensi's heart rate up a little, like it always did.

"Never said you were," he added. "However, you are the perfect woman for me to try again."

Kensi raised her eyebrows curiously. "Try what again?"

"Commit. Stick around. Not run away," he replied. "A lot has changed in this last year Kenz. Between you and Alex, you've helped me change. You've helped me find the man I once was – outside of work."

Callen saw the tears hovering in Kensi's eyes at his words. She had helped him recover, just as much as Alex. Without Kensi, he'd just be a shell of a man, working to get the bad guys. Now he was a man, living life and enjoying it. Enjoying life with her.

"A lot has changed." Kensi was silent for a moment and Callen watched as he could almost see the grief starting to envelope her again. "What do I do?" she asked. "Dom didn't leave me a letter to help me get through this. He didn't tell me not to change. What do I have that's going to help like that did for you?"

Callen reached over, turned her face gently toward him and looked her directly in the eyes. Then he said softly, "Me."


	24. Chapter 24 Burned

_A/N - Really, honestly I didn't think it had been so long since my last update. But then I can't believe that it's almost four months since our little bundle arrived so maybe something wonky has happened to my internal clock – not to mention my ability to remember what day it is without looking at the calendar!_

_The episodes Burned and Callen, G have blurred into one and this chapter, and most likely the next, have taken on a bit of a story feel to them rather than just a snippet or two. I was trying to work on both chapters before posting, because of that story feel, but when I realised how long it had been I thought otherwise._

_So here is Burned. Hopefully you will enjoy and hopefully_ _Callen, G won't be too far off._

_Again, thank you for the patience and encouragement. I do hope I haven't lost too many readers because of the delays in posting._

_Hope you all had a great Easter break._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4 _

_Also note **Bolded** parts are direct from the episode, I definitely do not own those.  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 24 – Burned<strong>

His heart was pounding in his chest. His eyes and instincts focused on getting him away from the situation as cleanly as possible whilst his mind was whirl of different emotions. One word kept repeating itself in his head.

_Callen_

How did he know my name? My real name, not the alias I'm supposed to be this morning.

_Callen_

I've never seen him before. How long had he been following me?

_Callen_

Damn. What did I miss? What did I do to get caught?

_Callen. Callen. Callen._

The name continued to repeat over and over in his mind as he disappeared into the crowds.

It kept repeating as he stood by the crashing waves.

It was time to do what he did best.

Be a ghost.

Kensi was going to hate him for this, but it was better than the alternative. Hopefully this would be over soon and he'd be back with her. He'd rather she hated him than … No, he wouldn't even think it. He looked at the phone and typed, hit send and then looked out over the waves. He threw the phone as far and hard as he could before he turned away.

Hetty would take care of Kensi. She'd promised him that much a long time ago.

o**************************************************************************************o

"Miss Blye."

Hetty's voice stopped Kensi as she was walking away from Ops. She turned slowly and eyed her boss skeptically.

"Where are you going?" Hetty asked her.

Kensi opened her mouth but the lie wouldn't come. Not when she knew Hetty could see it on her face clearly.

"You know where."

"Do you?" Hetty asked cryptically.

Kensi's shoulders dropped. "No. But I'll find him. I have to find him."

Hetty shook her head. "No. You have to let him come back to us when he is ready. When he feels it is safe."

Kensi felt like stomping her foot in a childish tantrum but she didn't. Damn Callen. She knew he was just trying to protect them all but really, didn't he know it yet, that they were better together.

"Take a breath Kensi and think about that a little longer. In this case you are not better together. It's more dangerous that way."

Kensi's eyes widened. Since when could Hetty read minds?

"He never told me about the Beauregard Protocol. Why not?" Kensi asked.

"Because he hoped never to have to put it in place. You all have your protocols and plans if you get made. This is simply his."

"But to disappear so completely. We'd be able to help." It wasn't that Kensi didn't think Callen could make it on his own, but things had changed in this last year. Surely going completely off the grid like this wasn't necessary.

Hetty stepped close to Kensi and lowered her voice. "Beauregard happened after Alex. Callen didn't want to put anyone at risk. He was more aware, more … paranoid even. He always wondered if there was something he had missed. That if he'd just been a little more alert he could have saved her. Beauregard was a condition of his return to work. That he be allowed to disappear and we would wait for him to come back to us if he felt he was compromised. We weren't to go after him. It is a more radical plan than most agents but it is his way."

"Do you know how to get in touch with him?" Kensi asked, annoyed with herself at the amount of emotion the slipped through in her tone.

Hetty reached out a hand and place it on her shoulder. "No my dear, I do not. I'm sorry."

Hetty stepped back and started heading toward the stairs. She tossed over her shoulder, "Be thankful it wasn't the Baltimore Protocol otherwise you'd be in Ops on lockdown until further notice."

"What? Why?" Kensi called out but Hetty continued walking away leaving the cryptic comment hanging in the air

_Baltimore._

Why did that name sound familiar? Kensi stood there as her mind worked overtime to work it out.

_Baltimore. Baltimore. Baltimore._

Then Kensi remembered.

_Alex_

Obviously Callen had more than one plan in place. And obviously the Baltimore Protocol would mean she was in danger.

o***********************************************************************************o

Callen looked down list in his hand again. A list of all the foster homes he'd stayed in.

How? There were even ones NCIS didn't know about.

He looked at the flash drive and reached inside the envelope for the address. But there was more than one piece of paper inside.

He unfolded it and stared in horror, his stomach dropping to his knees. He couldn't believe what he had in his hands. He read the words on the top of the page.

_They were watching then and they are watching now. I know who they are._

Underneath those words were two pictures.

One of him and Alex – the day Alex was shot. It was a photo of him sitting there on the ground with her bleeding out in his arms.

Another was of him and Kensi outside her apartment; from just last week if he remembered correctly when Kensi had been wearing that red shirt.

Hell, Keelson was right. NCIS had been compromised; through not only Keelson but whoever was tracking him. Obviously whoever _they _were, were good since he had no idea he'd been followed. How badly had they been compromised though he wasn't sure.

He started to reach for the phone to text Hetty.

_Baltimore. _Another one he'd hoped never to have to use.

He was about to pull the phone from his pocket when he remembered Keelson's threat.

_Contact anyone and the deal is off._

He also he realised something else. He'd already got those who were responsible for Alex's death. Whoever _they_ were, he had a gut feeling that they weren't out to get him in that way otherwise they already would have made an attempt.

He looked at his watched and started to move. Twenty nine minutes to go.

o**********************************************************************************************o

_(Additional bit for the Sam & Callen's scene in the park.)_

"How's Kensi?" Callen asked while watching some children run around nearby.

Sam continued to stare out at the ocean as her answered. "Worried. She'll be mad when she knows I've seen you."

"It's for her own good Sam."

"You know that and I know that but will she?"

"I hope so."

**"Keep your head down, stay out of sight G," Sam said as he got up and left.**

Callen turned his head away and said, "Keep her safe."

"You don't need to ask," Sam assured his partner just louder enough for Callen to hear as he strode away.

"I know," Callen said quietly to himself. "I know."

o******************************************************************************************o

"You've seen him?"

Kensi's question demanded a truthful answer. Anything less and Sam knew he'd be in trouble. He could see the frustration in her eyes, hear it in her tone and read it in her body language.

"Kensi calm down. Yes. I've seen him. He's my partner. We prearranged a meeting place a long time ago."

"Why didn't he do that with me?" Her eyes flashed in anger. "I mean we're partners too in a different way but still. I can't believe he never did that with -."

"Kensi." Sam said her name so firmly that she stopped her rant and starred at him.

"Kensi, he didn't do it with you because he didn't want to risk it."

"Risk what? Seeing me."

Sam shook his head. "Kenz, to G, it doesn't matter what his enemy does to him, he can take anything. He'll deal with anything and make it through unless they kill him."

Kensi blanched at the words. Sam continued, his voice softening a little though. "Kenz, if his enemies got you, that … that would destroy him and he can't risk that again."

"Oh."

Kensi didn't know what else to say. Suddenly all the anger and frustration she felt against the situation and yes, admittedly toward Callen disappeared. She felt deflated and a little childish. But there was also a little flutter of something else – something that she wasn't sure she wanted to feel but she did anyway. She was, in a strange way, pleased that she meant so much to someone.

"I'm sorry Sam," she said sincerely.

"Not a problem Kenz. I promised him I'd take care of you so do me a favour and let me."

Kensi nodded. "I will."

o**********************************************************************************************************o

(_at the Observatory, after Callen shoots Keelson)_

"Callen!"

Callen turned at the sound of Kensi voice and saw her running toward him, her eyes on Keelson's body. She stopped right next to him and, in one fluid motion, holstered her gun and threw her arms around him.

"Are you all right? I heard the shots."

Callen's arms slipped around her waist and pulled her into his side. "I'm fine Kenz. I'm fine."

Callen felt some of the tension leave him with her presence but he wasn't fine. Not really. Physically yes, but not the rest. He'd just killed the one lead he had in knowing about his past.

Kensi pulled her head back a little and studied his face. "What happened?"

Callen glanced at Keelson's body. "He was going to kill me and run. If he hadn't gone to shoot me, I just might have let him go. But he didn't give me a choice. It was him or me."

"It's all right Callen," Kensi assured him. "You couldn't risk it. He'd compromised everyone."

"I know. But for a moment, I was really tempted to let him go."

Kensi frowned. "What? Why would you-"

Callen put a finger on her lips to stop her. Then he pulled out the piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to her – the one with the picture of her and Alex on it. A similar shocked expression appeared on her face when she realised the implications.

Kensi looked back up at him. "Who took these?" she asked, a hint of fear creeping into her voice that Callen heard.

"I don't know. But there's more Kensi. Keelson knew so much about me. I was this close to finding out who I am. And now… " Callen sighed and looked out over the city below. "I was close to finally knowing."

Kensi tucked the piece of paper in her pocket and tightened her arms around him. She rested her head on his shoulder. "You know who you are Callen. You are a great agent, one of the good guys and… " She paused and lifted her head. "A great partner," she added with a grin that she hoped would make him smile, because she wasn't referring to his relationship with Sam.

It didn't work.

"There's so much I don't know. Where I came from? My name? Who took those photos? How long have they been following me? I've been searching for so long. I'd almost given up hope that I'd ever find anything."

This he hadn't even admitted to himself. He'd held onto the hope that someday he'd find it all out. Even when he went through times in his life when he didn't actively look, the hope was still there. But he had to admit now, that for a while, it had been fading away to almost nothing.

"The information is out there Callen. We'll find it, if that's what you want," Kensi said.

"It's not just want Kenz. I really need to know." Callen took a deep breath, glanced Keelson's way and let the breath out slowly. "He found out. If he can do it, so can I."

Kensi smiled reassuringly. "Good. Now you know you're going to have to show Hetty this," she said, pulling the paper out of her pocket again.

Callen nodded. "Yeah. And explain why I kept it from her."

"Why did you?" Kensi asked.

Callen smiled a little. "The truth or what I'm going to tell Hetty?"

Kensi lifted an eyebrow. "I think I'd rather the truth."

He was glad she chose that option because he was still trying to figure out an acceptable explanation for Hetty that wouldn't get him in too much trouble.

"Because it meant I had a picture of you with me whilst I was out in the cold."

o**************************************************o

_(back in the office when Sam and Kensi are talking Game and Callen arrives)_

**"_But that jacket you're wearing. It takes a unique kind of girl to pull that off."_**

**_Callen glanced at Sam, grinned and then started to walk away._**

"Hey!" Kensi called out as she stood up. Callen stopped and turned back. "How did you know about that?" Kensi looked at Sam. "Did you tell him?"

Sam shook his head.

"No," Callen replied, drawing Kensi's attention back to him. "I was there, Kenz. Did you really think I'd let you go out alone looking like you did?"

Kensi frowned in confusion. Callen moved closer reached out to touch her cheek.

"Kenz. You're mine. Keeping up a cover ID is one thing, but letting some creep take you home… Not gonna happen."


	25. Chapter 25 Callen, G

_A/N_

_Hello again. Welcome to the final instalment for Season 1._

_It's taken a while but I managed to get this sorted._

_Just a small note about this bit. In the episode regarding Callen's crash, I haven't been able to figure out exactly what went on with regards to his seat-belt. So, because the bunnies refused to co-operate unless we went with the "he didn't put it on" scenario that's what happened for this story._

_You see when he first gets in the car and speeds off he's not wearing it and you never see him put it on. But when he is driving, he has it on. Then once he's crashed it doesn't look like it's on. So I had two theories. One – the seat-belt being on whilst driving was a goof. Or two – the seat-belt broke during the accident. Personally, option two was a little scary to consider since seat-belts are supposed to protect you in terms of accidents so we decided to work with option one and go with the no seat-belt option. The bunnies hope you don't mind that little tweak to the story._

_I'm thinking there might be a bit more that I could write for after the episode but the bunnies haven't quite got that sorted yet, so there may be a part two to this one coming later. Plus, the few scenes that I've written here work well together and anything more might not fit. We'll have to see._

_Now that I've completed season 1, I need to give a little attention to finishing off Future in Jeopardy, but I will be back with this story as soon as I can. I do have a little question for you all. How would you prefer to have the chapters come up? Would you just like them whenever I get them done or would you prefer I wait to start posting until I have a bit of a stash so the updates are quicker? Let me know in the review or a pm._

_Thanks once again for all the support._

_Enjoy._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 4 _

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o_

**Chapter 25 – Callen, G**

Callen felt the impact right through his body when the blue van side-swiped his as well as the next one when he careened into the stationary one. He felt the car launch into the air and that unmistakeable flying sensation – the one you really don't want to experience.

And, as the car started to flip over and his body started to move out of his seat, his life started to flash before his eyes. Not in the traditional way though. This time it was his current life. Kensi. Pictures of Kensi. Of her smiling, laughing, crying, teasing. Of her splashing him at the beach last weekend and when she's come up completely drenched and laughing after he'd dumped her in the waves.

"I'm sorry Kenz."

Because he'd forgotten to put on his seatbelt in the rush to follow Akbari. Given his speed, and his current trajectory of his car, he'd be incredibly lucky to get out of this accident – at all. A lecture from Hetty about the necessity of safety precautions would be most welcome instead of what was coming.

If only…

Suddenly he was on the footpath, watching his car slam sideways into the ground and continue to roll in slow motion down the street.

"What the…?"

He felt a soft hand on his arm and turned.

"G."

"Alex?" He frowned, closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm dead again."

"No G." She shook her head. "But you would have been if we'd left you in the car."

"We?"

"Yeah. We."

Callen turned to the rough masculine voice coming from his other side.

James.

James looked furious.

"If you ever," James continued menacingly and stepped closer to Callen, "ever, get in a car without a seat-belt again, I will personally kick your arse to the far side of the moon and back. She's not ready to bury another man she loves and I'm sure as hell not about to let that happen. She loves you. So help me Callen…"

Alex laid a hand on James' arm. "James." Her soft voice stopped him and James looked briefly at Alex.

Callen's lips couldn't help the twitching of a smile, even under the strange circumstances. He'd see that calming effect of Alex's more than once. Often he'd been the recipient but he also known she could do it with just about anyone.

James turned back to Callen. The fury was still in his eyes, but his voice was decidedly calmer. "Don't mess up the future Callen. She needs you and you need her. Don't lose that." James then turned back to watch the car.

Callen glanced at the car then to Alex.

"How?" he asked.

Alex shrugged. "Not really sure but we couldn't let it happen. G, you've just started living again and you've got so much more to experience." She smiled softly. "But please, don't lose your future by going back into the past."

Callen frowned. Alex continued.

"I know more than anyone why you need to know about your past. I just don't want you to lose what's coming by going back. Look back, yes. Find out what you need to know but don't get lost in it, G. Don't die for your past. Live for your future."

They both turned back and watched the car slowly go into its last flip.

As Callen turned back to Alex he found he was no longer on the footpath but back in the car and slowly heading toward the roof.

"Ow!" His head hit the roof and he was uncomfortably placed upside down. But he was alive and relatively unhurt though he was sure he'd be sore tomorrow.

The car stopped and settled. He breathed a sigh of relief and looked around. He caught sight of Alex at the window reaching into the car and frowned.

She smiled and nudged his gun within reach. "You'll need this. Good luck G."

Callen looked through the window past her; saw the blue van and the feet walking toward him. His heart started to race. He reached for the gun.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe Hetty only suspended you for a day." Kensi lent against her desk and watched Callen carefully. He'd said they were good earlier but she couldn't shake the feeling he thought the burning of the data warehouse was partly her fault. She had no reason to feel that but she did anyway.<p>

Callen shrugged. The piece of paper in his hand felt like it was burning a hole in it. "Guess I got lucky."

"Hmm, more than just with Hetty. I saw the crash." Kensi subtly moved her body a little closer to Callen's desk. "How did you…." She trailed off not really sure she wanted to discuss anything that would bring back that vision.

"A couple of angels and a miracle."

Kensi frowned for a moment before saying softly, "Alex and Lily?"

Callen shook his head. "Alex and James."

"Oh."

Callen looked down at his hand.

"Callen, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Kensi asked him. She knew it had been a huge day for him and wondered if he'd need a little support with this.

Callen glanced back at her, stood up and shook his head. "No. I think I need to do this myself."

He started to walk away.

"Callen," Kensi called out.

He turned back.

"Are you sure we're okay?" she asked again. The uncertainness she felt definitely came through in her voice but she didn't care. There weren't too many people she could be straight with and she certainly didn't want to start hiding things from Callen. This relationship was too important to start messing it up with lies.

Callen nodded. "Yeah Kenz. We're good. It's just been a …. bit rough. We're good." He smiled and moved away.

This time she just watched him go. When he was out of sight she moved to the couch and sank into it. He was right. It had been rough. Rough enough on her but way harder on him. The things he'd found out and lost all in the one hit. A sister, a family, his past. So close yet so far away again.

"Kensi," came a soft voice from next to her.

Kensi looked up from her hands and saw Alex. She glanced around but there was no one close enough in the office to hear her. She looked back to Alex.

"Hi." There was shock in her voice. Then she started to worry and the tension flooded into her shoulders. "Is Callen okay?" He couldn't be out of the car park but the last time Alex had come to her was when he was having that nightmare.

Alex smiled and nodded. "He's fine. I'm here for you this time."

"Oh." Kensi paused. "So you know what happened?"

Alex nodded. "I know the files burned. I know there was one on him and I know you feel responsible even though you aren't."

Kensi slumped back in her chair. "Callen thinks I am." Even though he said they were fine, she wasn't very reassured. He'd been so distant both times, like he was somewhere else.

"He doesn't blame you," Alex said. "Trust me. G isn't entirely sure what he is feeling at the moment. His past has always been an iffy topic and there's so much happening right now about it, but he doesn't blame you. This I know."

Kensi would take the reassurance, after all, Alex knew Callen better than anyone. "Was he this obsessed when you were together?" she asked, though she wished she hadn't the moment she said the words.

"No."

Kensi's shoulders dropped. "So you were enough for him, but I'm not."

Alex shook her head and moved a little closer to Kensi. "No Kensi. That's not it at all. If anything, I'm the problem."

Kensi frowned. "I don't understand."

Alex sighed softly. "I'm not sure how well I can explain it but I'll try. When G and I were together, we had this general idea of where our future was headed. We didn't really talk about it, it was just there. One day a family. A long and happy future together. Strange I know considering the life we lived. The past didn't matter. G was who he was, it didn't matter how he got there. I was who I was, it didn't matter how I got there. He'd always wanted to know where he had come from but we were together, we had a future, we were happy with what we had. The past wasn't all that important anymore."

"But it is now," Kensi interrupted dejectedly. "Sorry."

Alex smiled in acceptance of the apology. "He'd looked. He'd tried but he hadn't been able to get anything and with a future clear in his mind he was able to get past that. That's not to say he didn't think about it from time to time, or occasionally try again."

Alex paused whilst she thought.

"So why can't he get to that with me," Kensi asked, her voice tinged with sadness and disappointment. "I'm not going anywhere."

"So you say. So did I," Alex said. "Kensi, his past is important to him now, more than ever. Because he doesn't want it to take you away too. Like it did me."

Kensi was silent for a moment as the words sunk in.

"It was someone from his past that had me killed," Alex continued. "That took away that family and future he'd been able to see so clearly. The hope that even though he hadn't had it in the past, he wouldn't miss out altogether."

Kensi nodded in understanding. "So he wants to find anyone in his past who is a threat and take them down before they take me down."

"Or him. Because he doesn't want you to go through what he went through. And if he doesn't know his past, he doesn't know who could be a threat. It's not that you aren't good enough Kensi. You are more than good enough. You are perfect for him." Alex put her hand over Kensi's. "It's that he wants to be good enough for you and sometimes … sometimes when he thinks about his past and how much he doesn't know and what it could do to you, he doesn't feel good enough. Or maybe he doesn't feel strong enough to protect you. And he needs to prove to himself that he is."

"He is," Kensi protested.

"You know that and I know that," Alex agreed. "Now we just have to convince him of that."

"How?" Kensi asked.

"That my dear, is the million dollar question. Care to try and answer it with me?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

><p><em>At the cemetery.<em>

Callen walked slowly across the green grass and between the palm trees. Maybe he should have taken Kensi up on her offer. He could do with a little something extra right now.

But he hadn't and now he had to deal with this alone.

He had to admit that, at the time, alone had been what he wanted. He need a little time and space. He knew Kensi wasn't responsible for the files and the warehouse being destroyed but there was a part of him that was using blaming her as a focus, as something to try and get him away from the fact that his past had been so close and he'd lost it. Twice. Not just at the warehouse but with shooting Keelson. None of it was Kensi's fault and he just needed a little time to work on getting over it.

But still, company right now would have been very reassuring.

He felt something nudge his hand and looked down just as a little hand slipped into his and held on. A beautiful little face with blue eyes and green sparkles smiled up at him.

"Hi Daddy," Lily said happily.

"Hi."

Lily skipped along beside him. "So is Amy my Aunt?"

"Yeah, I guess she was."

"Do you remember her?" Lily asked.

Callen stopped. So did Lily. Right now, he wasn't ready to face the grave, but a little time with Lily might just be the comfort that he needed.

He crouched down to be at her height. "Only a little. I'm hoping I'll get some more memories back sometime." He looked at Lily carefully. "Actually, I think she looked a bit like you."

Lily grinned happily. "Cool."

Callen smiled back.

"Daddy."

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Callen nodded. "I'm fine. Better now actually. Thank you."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

Callen thought for a moment. "Maybe you could walk me a little closer, but I think this might be something I need to do on my own."

Lily nodded and slipped her hand back into Callen's when he stood up. They moved slowly toward the grave.

Just as Callen was about to stop and say goodbye, Lily left him with one final comment that floored him and would stay in his mind for a long time to come.

"You know Daddy, I think I'd make a pretty cool big sister."


	26. Chapter 26  In between

_A/N – So, the bunnies struck last night and I'm letting them run with it. This is almost how the chapter came out so there hasn't been a lot of editing. I'm kind of trusting that the bunnies knew what they were doing when they made me write this._

_It's a little dark, delving into Callen's darkness after Alex died._

_Warning: This chapter has an M rating because of that darkness. Mentions suicide._

_Disclaimer in Chapter 1_

_I hope you enjoy. _

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 26 - In between<strong>_

"Callen?" Kensi's voice pulled Callen from his distracted state.

"Sorry, you were saying?"

Kensi raised her eyebrows a little. "Yeah, what was I saying?" she asked him.

"I'm sorry Kenz. I'm just a little distracted."

"Really? I hadn't noticed," Kensi replied sarcastically, yet gently. She reached out her hand and placed in reassuringly on his leg. "You've been a little out of it since your visit to the cemetery. Are you still thinking about the guy who got away?"

Callen shook his head. "It's not about that. Well it is, but it isn't."

Kensi just waited.

Callen took a breath. "I saw Lily and something she said and it's kind of got me thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

Callen look at Kensi and struggled about what to tell her. He was so confused right now and he had a feeling that where this conversation might go… actually should go…was somewhere he really didn't want to go. But Kensi deserved better than his silence and he was slowly growing out of the "don't talk personal" deal he usually had going, at least with her. Now it looked like he'd have to take a pretty big leap right now.

Callen did smile though at the first part he got to tell her. "She thinks she'd make a pretty cool big sister," he said.

Kensi's eyes widened a little. "She said that?"

"And I quote 'You know Daddy, I think I'd make a pretty cool big sister'. Just dropped that little bomb and then disappeared."

Kensi couldn't help the light laugh that escaped her.

"You think it's funny?" Callen was having a hard time not joining in. Right now he could do with a little laughter.

"Oh yeah, it's funny and I so, so wish I could've seen your face."

Callen leant back against the couch and pulled Kensi to him. "I'm pretty sure it's as shocked as you are imagining."

Kensi snuggled in. "She's right you know. She would make a really cool big sister. Aside from the fact she's a cool kid, she's got the whole angel thing going for her." She swallowed nervously, not sure where this conversation was going to go. They'd mentioned the kid factor before, not often though. It just wasn't like it was a generally discussed topic.

"Kenz," Callen said gently while stroking her hair. "Do you want kids?"

Kensi tilted her head up to look at him. "Yes," she answered simply. "And yes, I would like them with you. But what about you?"

"What do you mean what about me?" Callen asked.

"Do you want them?"

Callen didn't quite know how to answer that. He wasn't sure anymore. His mind was so messed up at the moment.

Kensi pulled away and turned to face him properly. "Callen?" she nudged gently for an answer.

"I don't know," he all but whispered. "I don't know Kenz."

Kensi struggled with the slight pain that started to make itself known somewhere in the vicinity of her heart. She loved Callen and she wanted kids with him. She knew he might not be ready yet. She knew that, whilst he was definitely getting over and moving on from the loss of Alex, the loss of Lily was a totally different matter. She had hoped that together they could get through anything. She took a deep breath and reminded herself of his answer – I don't know. Not a flat out no.

"Talk to me please," Kensi said. "Please don't shut me out on this."

Callen reached for her hand. "I'm not. I'm scared Kenz. What if…. what if that dark place I went to wasn't because of Alex? What if it was because of Lily? What if we had a child and something happened to him or her and I went there again?"

Kensi tightened her hold on his hand and leaned a little closer. "Callen, even if that did happen, you wouldn't alone. I'd be there with you. We'd get through it."

"You don't understand Kenz," Callen replied with a shake of his head.

"Then make me," Kensi begged him. "Help me understand why you are so scared."

Callen struggled with his breathing for a minute. "Where I went, you can't get any darker."

Kensi frowned and her expression changed as she seemed to realise where Callen was going with this. "What are trying to say Callen?" She didn't want to put it in words, just in case she was wrong. He needed to do it for her.

Callen caught her gaze and held it for a moment. He saw the fear and worry in her eyes. He saw the love and concern in her eyes. And he held onto that love and opened his mouth to say the words he'd never told anyone.

"I wanted to die. I tried … I tried to die."

* * *

><p><em>Seven'ish years ago<em>

Callen stared at the two photos on the table before him.

Alex and him.

Their baby. So tiny. Just a black and white tiny, barely formed body.

A baby he'd never have the chance to know, to hold, to kiss, to tickle.

Tears poured down his face and he downed another mouthful of bourbon. He'd lost track of how many bottles of alcohol he'd been through since Hetty had put him on leave.

Compassionate leave she'd called it.

"Compassionate my arse," he slurred.

Compassion would have been to allow him to lose himself in his work. To hunt down the lowlifes of the world who thought they could get away with destroying others. They didn't deserve to live.

He looked at the photos again. Alex and their baby.

"They deserved to live," he muttered and took another swig.

"G don't do this."

He heard her voice.

He kept hearing her voice.

But she wasn't here anymore.

She was gone.

He'd never see her, never touch her, never kiss her, hold her, marry her, live happily every after.

It was all gone. One bullet had taken everything from him.

He had nothing left.

Nothing at all to live for.

"G don't," she begged him.

He looked at the bottle in his hand. Three quarters empty and still he hurt. For most of the last three weeks, the drunker he was the less it hurt, but today was different.

He glanced around the room and even though he was drunk – mind you, drunk was nowhere near a strong enough description on just how intoxicated he was – he could still quickly count at least twelve empty bottles and knew that the bin was full in the kitchen. He vaguely wondered if he'd managed to replace his body's blood with alcohol yet and even more vaguely wondered just how he was still functioning and hadn't passed out cold days ago.

He took another mouthful and then in a fit of rage at how nothing was stopping the pain anymore, through it at the wall.

He missed.

It hit the mantlepiece over the fireplace and knocked a photo frame off the shelf onto the floor where it proceeded to smash.

He jumped up, stumbled around the table and grabbed the photo. But he wasn't quick enough and he starred at it as the brown liquid made the ink of the photo blur together.

He let out a painful scream that felt like it was tearing him in half.

The picture was precious. It was his and Alex's first Christmas together. His first real Christmas.

The sobs tore at his throat and chest. The tears flowed.

He shook his head. "I can't do this."

He stood up and determindly walked toward the cupboard on the other side of the room.

"I have nothing to live for, but I have everything to die for," he said to himself. By some miracle he made it to the cupboard, opened it and, after a few mistakes, managed to open the safe that held his gun. He pulled out the bullets too and walked to the couch.

He sat down. He stared at the gun and the bullets he'd placed on the table.

The tears were still pouring down his face. He had no idea how to stop them. The pain in his chest was unbearable and it had just continued to get worse through the day. It felt like he was being torn apart. Day after day, night after night, unless he was fuelled with enough alcohol the pain was too consuming. But today, today it just kept getting worse.

"No G. Please," her voice begged.

He shook his head. "I can't live without you."

"Yes. Yes you can. You aren't alone. G please. Please don't do this."

"I have to. I can't live without you and I can't live with this pain. It should've been me. They should've taken me instead. You're stronger than me. You'd have survived. But I can't."

"G you are strong. You're just hurting."

He could hear the tears in her voice and the sadness. She sounded so close. It was as if she was right next to him. Almost like if he turned around he'd see her sitting there.

"I'll see you soon. I love you," he said.

He reached for the bullets and the gun. With surprisingly steady hands, he loaded the weapon – fully. Just in case he missed he wasn't going to only have one round. He didn't want to survive just because his aim was off and he only had one chance.

Once the gun was loaded, he looked at the photos again.

"I'm coming," he whispered. "I'm coming too."

He raised the gun. Put it right between his eyes. He closed his eyes, pulled the trigger and, for once in as long as he could remember, he was looking forward to what happened next.

The gun clicked, but didn't fire.

"No," he moaned and pulled again. It just clicked. Once more, twice more.

His heart started to race. This can't be happening. Even drunk, he knew how to load a gun.

Yet another click, followed by a knock on the door.

"GO AWAY!" he yelled. His anger firing up to be just as bad as the pain in his heart.

"No," came the determined reply.

"Damn, Hetty. Go Away."

"I am coming in whether you open this door or not, Mr Callen."

He heard the click of the lock and quickly shoved the gun and the bullet into the drawer beneath the table.

As much as he wanted this to be over, he didn't want Hetty to be the one to find his body. He didn't want her to have the guilt that if only she'd been a little earlier she might have saved him.

Hetty walked through the doorway. The look on her face as she surveyed the surroundings set Callen off.

He stood up. "If you don't like what you see get out."

Hetty looked at him and raised her eyebrows just a touch and then starred at him over her glasses. "I do not like what I see, but I am not getting out."

"Go to Hell," Callen mumbled and turned away.

"I believe that is where I am. At least your version," Hetty replied and moved closer to him. "You, at least, look like that's where you are."

Callen glared at her but couldn't hold her gaze for long. He made a move toward the liquor cabinet and hoped there was something more in there. Hetty stopped him before he'd take two steps.

"Sit," she said.

"No," he replied.

"Sit," she repeated, "or I'll make you."

"Make me," he replied, somewhat childishly.

She did. A hand on his shoulder and a gentle shove was all it took to have him sprawled on the couch.

Hetty sat next to him and pulled him into a more upright position.

"It is time for you to read that letter," she said firmly.

"How do you know I haven't?"

Hetty looked at him. "If you had, you would be in a much fitter state. Where is it?"

Callen looked away but Hetty caught the small glance in the direction of the still open safe. She stood up, went over and retrieved the letter from inside. She returned to the couch and sat.

She held it out to him. "Read it."

"No," he said. Pain ripped through him at the sight of Alex's writing on the front.

"Read it,"Hetty repeated.

"No."

"Fine." Hetty stood up and pulled him with her. He stumbled a little. Hetty pushed him out of the room.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"You need a shower, some food and then… you _will_ read that letter."

Hetty opened the door to the small downstairs bathoom and pushed him through. He turned and looked at her with a shake of the head.

Hetty took a breath and let it out in a sigh. "If you insist," she said cryptically. She moved into the room and pushed him into the shower cubicle and yanked on the tap. He jumped out of the cold water.

Hetty stood there and looked at him with folded arms. "Now Mr Callen. You can either have a shower … in private. Or…" she left the threat hang in mid air but even in his current state he knew what the or meant. He shower or she'd do it for him. A small part of him wanted to see if she really would do it, but he decided not to press his luck and reached out to change the water temperature.

"Very good choice, Mr Callen. I will see you in the kitchen when you are done. And don't think about trying to sneak away." She left the bathroom door open.

Callen stood under the steaming water for a few minutes before finally ditching the sodden clothes and taking the first shower he'd probably taken since his "leave" started – three weeks ago.

By the time he was done, Hetty had managed to scramble some eggs and make some toast. He eyed it dubiously. He certainly hadn't shopped in the last few weeks.

"I brought them with me."

Callen nodded but stayed silent. He ate the food and his stomach rumbled in appreciation at something other than the liquid diet he'd been consuming recently. After he had finished Hetty passed him the letter.

Callen shook his head. "No." The shower, the food, yes. He'd do those things for her. But now she had to go. He had a date with a gun. She needed to leave. But before he could tell her to go home she picked up the letter.

"If you won't, I will." Hetty proceeded to open the letter and started to read it to him.

"_G,I know what you do and I know what that means for me. It's a risk I'm willing taking to be with you. There wasn't even a choice. Without you,-"_

"Stop." Callen demanded. He snatched the letter from her. "I'll read it myself."

He couldn't handle hearing Hetty read her words. If he was going to hear them, he needed to hear her voice in his head. And now that Hetty had started, he desperately wanted to know what was in that letter.

_G,_

_I know what you do and I know what that means for me. It's a risk I'm willing taking to be with you. There wasn't even a choice. Without you, I wouldn't be complete._

_I hope you never have to read this, but if you are, please know this. I love you. The man I fell in love - you - I was willing, wanted even, to take this risk for. You are worth it._

_Please don't change. What you do is good, very good. It is important. We need more people like you, someone to fight for those who can't._

_I can't imagine what my life would be like without you, so I don't really know what you are going through, but I am begging you, please, please don't change._

_I remember that determined, cheeky man who somehow convinced me to go on a date even though I swore I would never date a DEA agent. How did you do that? Right, you wanted to see me laugh. Remember that, remember when I laughed, remember all the times I laughed. Most of them will be because of you._

_I want you to remember how happy you made me. Please don't change from being that man._

_I love you. Always will._

_Alex._

He was crying by the end.

He was crying harder than he had since she died and he didn't think that was possible.

Hetty moved next to him and gently cradled his head against her whilst he cried. He didn't know how long they were in the kitchen for before he stopped. If he asked Hetty she'd probably know. All he knew was that she'd arrived somewhere around lunch and it was dark by the time he stopped and she moved away to switch on a light.

"Mr Callen. I will not leave you alone. You are coming home with me. I will help you get through this, somehow. But I will not leave you alone anymore."

Callen nodded. He was too shattered to fight with Hetty. The letter from Alex, her words were flying around in his head. The gun. The bullets. There was no way he could do that now. No way he could disappoint Alex. It was her last request. How could he say no?

He couldn't.

He didn't know how he'd survive but somehow, with her words, he had a little bit more grip on life.

Somehow he'd go on. He'd try and be the man she thought he was, even if he didn't feel that right now. Even if he wasn't sure he believed it.

Somehow ... he'd live.

* * *

><p><em>Back in the present<em>

Kensi held him tight. She was at a loss for words. She knew losing someone you love deeply hurt … badly. But she'd never dreamed his darkness had been that.

"Kenz, what if –"

"No."Kensi placed her fingers over her lips. "No what if's. We do this together or not at all."

Callen looked down at her. "You mean if I don't think…."

Kensi nodded and blinked back the tears that were welling in her eyes. "If you don't think you can do kids, then we won't. If you feel that strongly then we won't. I won't lose you G Callen, and I won't let you go down that dark again, not if there is anyway to stop it."

The tears fell and Callen reached out and brushed the aside.

"I love you Kensi. I do. And I would love to have children with you. I just…"

"You're scared. I know. We have time."

Callen nodded. "Time. Maybe that's all I need."

Kensi nodded. "All the time you need."

Callen dropped his head and kissed her. "Thank you."

"Thank you," she said back. "Thank you for telling me."

Callen pulled her into his arms tigher. He breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, he'd told someone.

Kensi moved a little. "Callen, did you find out what happened with the gun not firing?" she asked tentatively.

Callen looked at her. He nodded then shrugged. "Not exactly, but I have my suspicions. I always thought I was just making up Alex's voice. But after everything that has happened this last year, I don't think so. About a week later, I took the gun to the firing range. I hadn't touched it since. I fired every bullet out of it. It worked perfectly."

"You think it was Alex?" Kensi asked.

"Oh yeah," Callen replied. "Now I know, though then I had no clue."

"She really is watching out for you isn't she?"

"I think more than we can possibly know," Callen replied. He held Kensi close.

_Was it you? _Callen asked in his mind, knowing she'd hear.

_Yes,_ she answered. _You needed time, not to die. You just couldn't see it._

_Thank you._


End file.
